[Oooooh the vibes are bad man!! They're bad!!!! No clear thoughts come through the thoughtshare because he's purposely suppressing them, but he did immediately leave as soon as the confession brigade revealed themselves and headed for the woods, which is where he's at now, with Mugen in hand.]
What.
[His tone is--tight, because he's clearly not pleased with this, but. He's trying to hold onto an ounce of self-control and not snap at Mathis, who didn't do anything.]
[He won't bother to ask "about what" since it's pretty obvious. His jaw works in irritation, but he doesn't seem like he's about to stab Mathis just for being here, so that's. Something. Probably.]
I don't know anything. [If that's what Mathis wanted to know; he wasn't involved in any of this.] You'll have to talk to those four if you want details.
I was-- upset that it was done in the way that it was, and that no one would admit to it, so I'd... already caught them for it. They're... aware of how I feel about everything.
[but that's partly why he wants to talk, to know what part of this kanda is angry about.]
[Unfortunately, Kanda is shit at communicating, so he doesn't realize--or, perhaps, is intentionally ignoring--Mathis's gentle hints at wanting to know his thoughts. He just huffs, irritated.]
Whatever. [What's done is done; how he or Mathis or anyone else feels about it clearly didn't matter that much.] They'd better hope she doesn't die again in a few days.
[There are monsters all over the place they really dragged Camille right back into murdertown]
[oh-- that's not entirely unexpected, but it takes him aback anyway, and he's reaching out for kanda before he quite stops himself, trying to take hold of his arm.]
You can still-- feel however you feel about it, though. Even if it's already over with.
[It's very funny of Mathis to say this because he was going to do that anyway, but. There's a moment of conflict on his face, where he's clearly deciding if he wants to be annoyed by these words or not, and it would be extremely easy to tip over in that direction with how unhappy he is right now--but their similarities are enough to pull him back by a hair, and he just sighs instead, irritable in no particular direction.]
It was a stupid thing to do. All they did was drag her back into danger.
[Even if he scrounges up maturity and sets aside his personal biases, of which there are so, so, so many, the most important of which Mathis is probably aware of due to memshare--this whole thing seems so incredibly foolish to him for a number of reasons.]
I have- reservations about what they've done, but this still... saved one of us, in the end, didn't it...? Even for a little while. And we... haven't been able to save anyone before this.
[so it has to be a good thing, right?
thoughtshare betrays him a little bit, though, with the errant thought of-- 'even if they could have...'
...he understands their choices. he missed her when she died. it was always going to be an impossible decision if they thought any further than reviving the person they killed.
Kanda is not a comforting person. Even if this specific scenario didn't evoke the most potent and personal of his traumas, even if his entire life didn't revolve around taking out people who'd been dragged back to life and turned into monsters--he would not be here, gently supporting Mathis's attempts to focus on the positive. At best, he would've been awkward and quiet, probably; and he is not feeling anywhere nearly that gracious right now.]
You don't have to convince yourself to be happy about it. [Kanda certainly isn't.] They could've picked anyone.
[He was never going to be okay with a resurrection plan regardless of the details, and Lucas is just as much of a killer as Camille was, so it's not like Kanda is supporting Mathis's bitterness either, but--it's annoying, to hear Mathis trying to suppress his hurt.]
[he's quiet for a few moments, there, debating what he's going to say, before finally-]
I understand why they did it, and it is good to have... anyone back.
But I... I asked Rondo if it was what she would want, and he said that because she'd... struggled to live, in the end, that was why he wanted to bring her back.
[and that isn't...
it's not agreement. anyone wants to live, at the end of their life.]
[He's clearly not fine, but. Well. Isn't this just--typical?
It's not even like he wanted to be informed ahead of time, really. He would've vehemently opposed this plan, and these four would've instantly lost his trust by going through with it anyway. So he's mad about that too, but he harbors no delusions about whether or not his opinions would've made a difference. (They never do. Not when it's about the greater good.)]
[Perhaps for others, Mathis would be right. He's not even necessarily wrong, here; it's clear from the thoughts that slipped out that Kanda has plenty of opinions and emotions he isn't giving voice to.
If there's anyone in this town besides Lavi he could talk to about this who might have a chance of understanding, it would be Mathis--but Kanda wouldn't know how to begin even if he wanted to. He's too used to people either understanding the things he doesn't say, or getting too fed up with him to try.
He stands for a minute, his grip tightening and loosening on Mugen. What he really needs to do is work off some of this visceral anger; he isn't so reckless that he'd truly harm any of those four, but training and meditating are the only things that bring him peace.
Eventually:]
...You should be asking Camille, not me. [Kanda's pissed, yes, but he's ultimately a bystander. Camille's the one who had her life toyed with without her consent.]
I'm going to speak with her, after... I give her a little time to herself.
[camille is On His List don't worry.]
But I wanted to be here.
[once again the thoughtshare makes the inner monologue spill over: 'even if i don't know what to do. but i care about kanda, too. no, don't say that, it wouldn't sound right...']
[...Well, it's kind of answered by Mathis's thoughts anyway, but Kanda doesn't really know what else to say to that, other than:]
Why?
[He harbors no delusions about his own friendliness. Yes, he's helped Mathis learn to fight (kind of). And yes, between memshare and Lucas's death, their relationship has changed drastically--in terms of perception if nothing else, since Kanda doesn't know the first thing about looking out for someone in a normal way. But he's not good company. He tries very hard to be bad company. Surely Mathis has other people he'd rather check in on, even if he wants to give Camille some space--people who won't stonewall him, or otherwise fail to express themselves in any coherent and meaningful way.]
[well. he may as well just say it, if his thoughts are going to continue to be Out Here.]
I'd... like to be closer to you.
[after their shared memories, after everything else-- he wants to try to know him better, and to close some of the distance he keeps, whether he's stonewalled or not. maybe it's mainly their similarities, along with what he'd seen in kanda's memories; even if his own memories of the years he wasn't actually alive aren't his, derived from other people, he still remembers trying to live by his supposed brother's words. not wanting to do anything that would keep others lonely.]
[A year ago, Kanda would have snapped something ruthlessly cold. Focus on doing something useful so you don't die in vain or No one cares what you want or any of the other hundreds of things he's said to Finders and Exorcists and strangers in town. The one person he's ever held dear died by his hand. And when grief and mourning are the first steps down the road to hellish temptation anyway, it's easiest to just... keep those walls up.
Truthfully, it's hard not to say those things now, even to Mathis. A lot has changed for Kanda over the past few months, but it would be so incredibly easy to shut down again. The confession is still ringing in his ears, a stinging reminder of just how foolish it is to... not even trust or befriend, but tolerate people he doesn't truly know.
He thinks of Aqua, a companion in peaceful meditation, turned into a killer against her will. Of Cloud, someone strong and reliable, similar in ways that made it easy to be around him, dead and gone overnight like so many others. Of Caelus, with his entreaties and accusations, caught violently between the monster inside of him and the young soul who died terrified and lonely. Proof, and proof, and more proof.
Kanda will fight to get them all home. He doesn't need to like anyone here to do his job.]
Don't be stupid. [Imagine if he just left it at that. He could. He almost does.] Focus on getting out of here instead of wasting time on me. I could be turning into a monster right now, for all you know.
I... I already have been. There's n-no way to avoid being hurt here, when we keep losing people to possession, or they're... killed by someone possessed.
[nona, iwatooshi, lucas, all taken by the possession. aerith, cloud, marina, all killed. he keeps getting closer to people and then losing them; he keeps growing closer still to the ones who are still alive, who are going to leave wounds behind on his heart when they're pulled away by death. there are people here now who he just...
he can't imagine losing them. he doesn't want to experience the reality of it, should it happen.]
You know what I am. This-- this is still... the first chance I've ever had to live as myself, whoever I turn out to be, and I... I want to use it until we're able to make it out of here, even if it's painful. I want to learn what sort of person I am, and what sort of people others are, and spend time with everyone, a-and--
[thoughtshare doesn't kick in, exactly. there's just the sense that they're not legible because he's emotional, not because he's trying to keep them stifled.]
And it's difficult...! I know that it is! But if I'm capable of living as my own person here, th-then that isn't a waste of my time!
[this is, maybe, the most determined mathis has sounded since he asked kanda to let him join him for training.]
You aren't a waste of my time...!
I sure hope nothing happens that makes Mathis regret this
It's not that no one cares about him. The ones back home make it very clear that they do. Lavi and Lenalee, who've stuck close to him over the years no matter how harshly he's rebuffed them; Marie, who has always made it clear that he feels he owes his life to Kanda; For, who helped him escape when he was blind with pain and grief, and Tiedoll, who gave him the name he uses even now, the closest thing to a father Kanda would have if he considered himself human.
But it's been a long time since someone has simply flat-out said so like this. There have been a few, here, but they've been insistent, sometimes pushy, beyond the point Kanda will allow. He isn't one for grudges, but he has no intention of fixing those relationships, either. You're fine with leaving it like this, someone had said, hurt and accusatory--and he hadn't argued. There was no point.
This outburst toes the line. Mathis's voice rises with his passion, and Kanda's temper--it's so short, it always has been. It would be so easy to shout him down and scare him off. His hand twitches with the urge to raise his sword--sheathed, but enough of a warning--and venom sits on the tip of his tongue, burning with lingering anger from the confession.
...But.
It reminds him of other things, too. Alma crying out his apologies to the others in the pools, promising to return for them, but I can't let Yuu die, we finally became friends--. Of Lenalee, who has every reason to be filled with rage and hate but fights for her beloved friends instead, and Komui, who clawed his way to the top of the Order to chase after her. Of Allen and Lavi--the others like them. The ones who don't know who they are, either.
And that's enough, just barely, to stay his hand.
He still sighs in frustration, restless in his unsettled anger. He still snaps his words--]
Either get out your knife or get lost.
[--but... it's not a rebuke. Right now, violence is the only way Kanda knows how to communicate. Mathis can take it or leave it: It's barely anything, and Kanda won't offer twice. But. It's something.]
[for a minute, he thinks that kanda will rebuff him after all-- and he would accept it, if he did. he wouldn't want to push it. but given half a chance from him, any time, mathis would take it. that's all that he wants, is to be allowed... well, anything. anything, however small.
coming from him, it's more than barely anything.
mathis blinks, frozen for a moment when he answers, but the surprise fades quickly, and he doesn't hesitate to pull out his knife.
it's always pointless to fight kanda, sure. he's faster, stronger, has more reach. a knife couldn't stand up to a sword unless he had the speed to make it work, and he just doesn't--
but what he does have is instinct inherited from his memories. kanda has probably seen it before; mathis lacks physical capability, but he has a sort of muscle memory when it comes to knowing where to dodge or block, where to take a hit properly, how to turn something that should send him flying into a blow that just knocks him over. there's nothing conscious about the way that he fights, he simply does, never thinking about how to move.
mathis rarely strikes first, either, and this is no different. he draws his knife, holds it ready, and waits, poised to move.]
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w4 tues
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What.
[His tone is--tight, because he's clearly not pleased with this, but. He's trying to hold onto an ounce of self-control and not snap at Mathis, who didn't do anything.]
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[he keeps a little more of a distance than usual, with the mood kanda is in. he doesn't want to push his luck.]
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I don't know anything. [If that's what Mathis wanted to know; he wasn't involved in any of this.] You'll have to talk to those four if you want details.
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I was-- upset that it was done in the way that it was, and that no one would admit to it, so I'd... already caught them for it. They're... aware of how I feel about everything.
[but that's partly why he wants to talk, to know what part of this kanda is angry about.]
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Whatever. [What's done is done; how he or Mathis or anyone else feels about it clearly didn't matter that much.] They'd better hope she doesn't die again in a few days.
[There are monsters all over the place they really dragged Camille right back into murdertown]
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[GOD THAT WOULD SUCK. they JUST got her back.
he debates a moment, but he finally decides to just- ask.]
Um, you-- seemed angry, about what they did.
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didn't even ask her Akuma not Akuma victims 35 years still in danger Alma cult, monsters Order
--before they're cut off very abruptly, like a wall slamming up, as if he's blocking his thoughts off on purpose.
Stiffly:]
They can do whatever they want.
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You can still-- feel however you feel about it, though. Even if it's already over with.
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It was a stupid thing to do. All they did was drag her back into danger.
[Even if he scrounges up maturity and sets aside his personal biases, of which there are so, so, so many, the most important of which Mathis is probably aware of due to memshare--this whole thing seems so incredibly foolish to him for a number of reasons.]
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[a little shake of his head.]
I have- reservations about what they've done, but this still... saved one of us, in the end, didn't it...? Even for a little while. And we... haven't been able to save anyone before this.
[so it has to be a good thing, right?
thoughtshare betrays him a little bit, though, with the errant thought of-- 'even if they could have...'
...he understands their choices. he missed her when she died. it was always going to be an impossible decision if they thought any further than reviving the person they killed.
but.]
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Kanda is not a comforting person. Even if this specific scenario didn't evoke the most potent and personal of his traumas, even if his entire life didn't revolve around taking out people who'd been dragged back to life and turned into monsters--he would not be here, gently supporting Mathis's attempts to focus on the positive. At best, he would've been awkward and quiet, probably; and he is not feeling anywhere nearly that gracious right now.]
You don't have to convince yourself to be happy about it. [Kanda certainly isn't.] They could've picked anyone.
[He was never going to be okay with a resurrection plan regardless of the details, and Lucas is just as much of a killer as Camille was, so it's not like Kanda is supporting Mathis's bitterness either, but--it's annoying, to hear Mathis trying to suppress his hurt.]
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[he's quiet for a few moments, there, debating what he's going to say, before finally-]
I understand why they did it, and it is good to have... anyone back.
But I... I asked Rondo if it was what she would want, and he said that because she'd... struggled to live, in the end, that was why he wanted to bring her back.
[and that isn't...
it's not agreement. anyone wants to live, at the end of their life.]
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I don't care what he wanted.
[That's not the same anyway.
Not that it matters now; what's done is done. They all just have to live with the consequences, now--those who acted, and those who didn't.]
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[he shakes his head, voice quiet.]
I'm-- worried about how she's taking this, as well, but I wanted to... to talk to you.
[he's hesitant to say it aloud, but his thoughts do it for him. 'i care about how you're doing, as well.']
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[He's clearly not fine, but. Well. Isn't this just--typical?
It's not even like he wanted to be informed ahead of time, really. He would've vehemently opposed this plan, and these four would've instantly lost his trust by going through with it anyway. So he's mad about that too, but he harbors no delusions about whether or not his opinions would've made a difference. (They never do. Not when it's about the greater good.)]
There's nothing to say.
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[he's not going to pry too much, even if he's learning to be more direct when it comes to kanda.]
I do... want to listen to you, though.
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If there's anyone in this town besides Lavi he could talk to about this who might have a chance of understanding, it would be Mathis--but Kanda wouldn't know how to begin even if he wanted to. He's too used to people either understanding the things he doesn't say, or getting too fed up with him to try.
He stands for a minute, his grip tightening and loosening on Mugen. What he really needs to do is work off some of this visceral anger; he isn't so reckless that he'd truly harm any of those four, but training and meditating are the only things that bring him peace.
Eventually:]
...You should be asking Camille, not me. [Kanda's pissed, yes, but he's ultimately a bystander. Camille's the one who had her life toyed with without her consent.]
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[camille is On His List don't worry.]
But I wanted to be here.
[once again the thoughtshare makes the inner monologue spill over: 'even if i don't know what to do. but i care about kanda, too. no, don't say that, it wouldn't sound right...']
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Why?
[He harbors no delusions about his own friendliness. Yes, he's helped Mathis learn to fight (kind of). And yes, between memshare and Lucas's death, their relationship has changed drastically--in terms of perception if nothing else, since Kanda doesn't know the first thing about looking out for someone in a normal way. But he's not good company. He tries very hard to be bad company. Surely Mathis has other people he'd rather check in on, even if he wants to give Camille some space--people who won't stonewall him, or otherwise fail to express themselves in any coherent and meaningful way.]
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[well. he may as well just say it, if his thoughts are going to continue to be Out Here.]
I'd... like to be closer to you.
[after their shared memories, after everything else-- he wants to try to know him better, and to close some of the distance he keeps, whether he's stonewalled or not. maybe it's mainly their similarities, along with what he'd seen in kanda's memories; even if his own memories of the years he wasn't actually alive aren't his, derived from other people, he still remembers trying to live by his supposed brother's words. not wanting to do anything that would keep others lonely.]
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Truthfully, it's hard not to say those things now, even to Mathis. A lot has changed for Kanda over the past few months, but it would be so incredibly easy to shut down again. The confession is still ringing in his ears, a stinging reminder of just how foolish it is to... not even trust or befriend, but tolerate people he doesn't truly know.
He thinks of Aqua, a companion in peaceful meditation, turned into a killer against her will. Of Cloud, someone strong and reliable, similar in ways that made it easy to be around him, dead and gone overnight like so many others. Of Caelus, with his entreaties and accusations, caught violently between the monster inside of him and the young soul who died terrified and lonely. Proof, and proof, and more proof.
Kanda will fight to get them all home. He doesn't need to like anyone here to do his job.]
Don't be stupid. [Imagine if he just left it at that. He could. He almost does.] Focus on getting out of here instead of wasting time on me. I could be turning into a monster right now, for all you know.
[You're just going to get hurt.]
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[nona, iwatooshi, lucas, all taken by the possession. aerith, cloud, marina, all killed. he keeps getting closer to people and then losing them; he keeps growing closer still to the ones who are still alive, who are going to leave wounds behind on his heart when they're pulled away by death. there are people here now who he just...
he can't imagine losing them. he doesn't want to experience the reality of it, should it happen.]
You know what I am. This-- this is still... the first chance I've ever had to live as myself, whoever I turn out to be, and I... I want to use it until we're able to make it out of here, even if it's painful. I want to learn what sort of person I am, and what sort of people others are, and spend time with everyone, a-and--
[thoughtshare doesn't kick in, exactly. there's just the sense that they're not legible because he's emotional, not because he's trying to keep them stifled.]
And it's difficult...! I know that it is! But if I'm capable of living as my own person here, th-then that isn't a waste of my time!
[this is, maybe, the most determined mathis has sounded since he asked kanda to let him join him for training.]
You aren't a waste of my time...!
I sure hope nothing happens that makes Mathis regret this
It's not that no one cares about him. The ones back home make it very clear that they do. Lavi and Lenalee, who've stuck close to him over the years no matter how harshly he's rebuffed them; Marie, who has always made it clear that he feels he owes his life to Kanda; For, who helped him escape when he was blind with pain and grief, and Tiedoll, who gave him the name he uses even now, the closest thing to a father Kanda would have if he considered himself human.
But it's been a long time since someone has simply flat-out said so like this. There have been a few, here, but they've been insistent, sometimes pushy, beyond the point Kanda will allow. He isn't one for grudges, but he has no intention of fixing those relationships, either. You're fine with leaving it like this, someone had said, hurt and accusatory--and he hadn't argued. There was no point.
This outburst toes the line. Mathis's voice rises with his passion, and Kanda's temper--it's so short, it always has been. It would be so easy to shout him down and scare him off. His hand twitches with the urge to raise his sword--sheathed, but enough of a warning--and venom sits on the tip of his tongue, burning with lingering anger from the confession.
...But.
It reminds him of other things, too. Alma crying out his apologies to the others in the pools, promising to return for them, but I can't let Yuu die, we finally became friends--. Of Lenalee, who has every reason to be filled with rage and hate but fights for her beloved friends instead, and Komui, who clawed his way to the top of the Order to chase after her. Of Allen and Lavi--the others like them. The ones who don't know who they are, either.
And that's enough, just barely, to stay his hand.
He still sighs in frustration, restless in his unsettled anger. He still snaps his words--]
Either get out your knife or get lost.
[--but... it's not a rebuke. Right now, violence is the only way Kanda knows how to communicate. Mathis can take it or leave it: It's barely anything, and Kanda won't offer twice. But. It's something.]
SHUT YOUR WHOLE FUCK PIXI
coming from him, it's more than barely anything.
mathis blinks, frozen for a moment when he answers, but the surprise fades quickly, and he doesn't hesitate to pull out his knife.
it's always pointless to fight kanda, sure. he's faster, stronger, has more reach. a knife couldn't stand up to a sword unless he had the speed to make it work, and he just doesn't--
but what he does have is instinct inherited from his memories. kanda has probably seen it before; mathis lacks physical capability, but he has a sort of muscle memory when it comes to knowing where to dodge or block, where to take a hit properly, how to turn something that should send him flying into a blow that just knocks him over. there's nothing conscious about the way that he fights, he simply does, never thinking about how to move.
mathis rarely strikes first, either, and this is no different. he draws his knife, holds it ready, and waits, poised to move.]
(pleading_face)
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