It's not that no one cares about him. The ones back home make it very clear that they do. Lavi and Lenalee, who've stuck close to him over the years no matter how harshly he's rebuffed them; Marie, who has always made it clear that he feels he owes his life to Kanda; For, who helped him escape when he was blind with pain and grief, and Tiedoll, who gave him the name he uses even now, the closest thing to a father Kanda would have if he considered himself human.
But it's been a long time since someone has simply flat-out said so like this. There have been a few, here, but they've been insistent, sometimes pushy, beyond the point Kanda will allow. He isn't one for grudges, but he has no intention of fixing those relationships, either. You're fine with leaving it like this, someone had said, hurt and accusatory--and he hadn't argued. There was no point.
This outburst toes the line. Mathis's voice rises with his passion, and Kanda's temper--it's so short, it always has been. It would be so easy to shout him down and scare him off. His hand twitches with the urge to raise his sword--sheathed, but enough of a warning--and venom sits on the tip of his tongue, burning with lingering anger from the confession.
...But.
It reminds him of other things, too. Alma crying out his apologies to the others in the pools, promising to return for them, but I can't let Yuu die, we finally became friends--. Of Lenalee, who has every reason to be filled with rage and hate but fights for her beloved friends instead, and Komui, who clawed his way to the top of the Order to chase after her. Of Allen and Lavi--the others like them. The ones who don't know who they are, either.
And that's enough, just barely, to stay his hand.
He still sighs in frustration, restless in his unsettled anger. He still snaps his words--]
Either get out your knife or get lost.
[--but... it's not a rebuke. Right now, violence is the only way Kanda knows how to communicate. Mathis can take it or leave it: It's barely anything, and Kanda won't offer twice. But. It's something.]
[for a minute, he thinks that kanda will rebuff him after all-- and he would accept it, if he did. he wouldn't want to push it. but given half a chance from him, any time, mathis would take it. that's all that he wants, is to be allowed... well, anything. anything, however small.
coming from him, it's more than barely anything.
mathis blinks, frozen for a moment when he answers, but the surprise fades quickly, and he doesn't hesitate to pull out his knife.
it's always pointless to fight kanda, sure. he's faster, stronger, has more reach. a knife couldn't stand up to a sword unless he had the speed to make it work, and he just doesn't--
but what he does have is instinct inherited from his memories. kanda has probably seen it before; mathis lacks physical capability, but he has a sort of muscle memory when it comes to knowing where to dodge or block, where to take a hit properly, how to turn something that should send him flying into a blow that just knocks him over. there's nothing conscious about the way that he fights, he simply does, never thinking about how to move.
mathis rarely strikes first, either, and this is no different. he draws his knife, holds it ready, and waits, poised to move.]
[Kanda's seen enough of Mathis's fighting style (I assume, in handwaved mornings) to not be surprised by how he fights now, it's true. Kanda draws Mugen in silence, and doesn't hesitate to take the first swing.
(Funnily enough, they're alike in this way too, the intrinsic understanding of how to wield their given weapons--it's just not obvious because of how often Kanda trains, and Kanda will never mention it.)
They're just gonna do this for a while honestly because Kanda truly doesn't know how to use his words. And the anger (the hurt, in a way) is clear in the aggression of his movements, in the way he fights--but even now, he doesn't hit harder than he feels Mathis can take. He doesn't pull his strength, of course, he wouldn't have even if Mathis hadn't specifically requested a serious sparring partner, but. Kanda isn't so reckless in his rage that he'd cause genuine harm. Not like this, anyway.
Eventually, once he burns through the worst of his anger, the silence from his thoughts--previously oppressive, stifling--shifts to something softer. A clearer mind, which is... the best he's going to get today, honestly.]
[the aggression is something that he can face. he's fought someone who hits hard before, sparred and trained with somebody who could easily throw him into a wall, so by the time kanda's anger begins to calm, mathis has likely taken a pretty decent number of hits. he can manage to hold up to that. but with any opportunity he gets, he strikes back without hesitation-- he never uses his blade to slice, only to deflect, relying on the hilt of it if not a strike from his other hand or a kick.
he's gotten better at doing this with one eye gone, at least.
it's only once he notices that oppressive silence becoming a more genuine quiet that he slows and stills, takes up a more defensive stance without fully dropping it.]
[He doesn't respond right away, but he slows in tandem with Mathis, lowering his sword.
Really, he could do this all day. It might even be better if he did. He has no intentions of confronting those four face-to-face, but it would help to fully wear himself out anyway. Mathis won't complain.
But Kanda's settled enough that the rest of his emotions can take hold more easily. The heartache and flashbacks, the resentment, the exhaustion. These are things he needs to grapple with alone.
It'll be a little easier now, though. His relationships with those four are broken beyond repair, but he, himself, doesn't have to be. He just needs time.]
internally: that's a relief... i think i only could have taken another couple of minutes...
he puts his knife away, then just finds a place to flop onto the ground. oof ough ow. they really did this and then mathis is going to have bruises from kanda, at kanda's trial, very funny actually!!!]
Would you rather I leave you alone for a while...?
[Throws my hat on the ground as you didn't get scaped TCH]
Yeah.
[He doesn't say "please" out loud, but--it's there, implied. He's trusting Mathis to listen, without thinking him cold for it. It's a bigger ask than it seems.]
[By morning, he will have compartmentalized all of this (kind of)--when Mathis comes to train, Kanda will act as though nothing happened. The only change he'll exhibit moving forward is the coldness he'll treat those four with.
But for now, he just nods; he sheathes Mugen, and turns to walk away, heading off to... somewhere. The rest of his PCs I guess. And then to CYOA and death!!!]
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I sure hope nothing happens that makes Mathis regret this
It's not that no one cares about him. The ones back home make it very clear that they do. Lavi and Lenalee, who've stuck close to him over the years no matter how harshly he's rebuffed them; Marie, who has always made it clear that he feels he owes his life to Kanda; For, who helped him escape when he was blind with pain and grief, and Tiedoll, who gave him the name he uses even now, the closest thing to a father Kanda would have if he considered himself human.
But it's been a long time since someone has simply flat-out said so like this. There have been a few, here, but they've been insistent, sometimes pushy, beyond the point Kanda will allow. He isn't one for grudges, but he has no intention of fixing those relationships, either. You're fine with leaving it like this, someone had said, hurt and accusatory--and he hadn't argued. There was no point.
This outburst toes the line. Mathis's voice rises with his passion, and Kanda's temper--it's so short, it always has been. It would be so easy to shout him down and scare him off. His hand twitches with the urge to raise his sword--sheathed, but enough of a warning--and venom sits on the tip of his tongue, burning with lingering anger from the confession.
...But.
It reminds him of other things, too. Alma crying out his apologies to the others in the pools, promising to return for them, but I can't let Yuu die, we finally became friends--. Of Lenalee, who has every reason to be filled with rage and hate but fights for her beloved friends instead, and Komui, who clawed his way to the top of the Order to chase after her. Of Allen and Lavi--the others like them. The ones who don't know who they are, either.
And that's enough, just barely, to stay his hand.
He still sighs in frustration, restless in his unsettled anger. He still snaps his words--]
Either get out your knife or get lost.
[--but... it's not a rebuke. Right now, violence is the only way Kanda knows how to communicate. Mathis can take it or leave it: It's barely anything, and Kanda won't offer twice. But. It's something.]
SHUT YOUR WHOLE FUCK PIXI
coming from him, it's more than barely anything.
mathis blinks, frozen for a moment when he answers, but the surprise fades quickly, and he doesn't hesitate to pull out his knife.
it's always pointless to fight kanda, sure. he's faster, stronger, has more reach. a knife couldn't stand up to a sword unless he had the speed to make it work, and he just doesn't--
but what he does have is instinct inherited from his memories. kanda has probably seen it before; mathis lacks physical capability, but he has a sort of muscle memory when it comes to knowing where to dodge or block, where to take a hit properly, how to turn something that should send him flying into a blow that just knocks him over. there's nothing conscious about the way that he fights, he simply does, never thinking about how to move.
mathis rarely strikes first, either, and this is no different. he draws his knife, holds it ready, and waits, poised to move.]
(pleading_face)
(Funnily enough, they're alike in this way too, the intrinsic understanding of how to wield their given weapons--it's just not obvious because of how often Kanda trains, and Kanda will never mention it.)
They're just gonna do this for a while honestly because Kanda truly doesn't know how to use his words. And the anger (the hurt, in a way) is clear in the aggression of his movements, in the way he fights--but even now, he doesn't hit harder than he feels Mathis can take. He doesn't pull his strength, of course, he wouldn't have even if Mathis hadn't specifically requested a serious sparring partner, but. Kanda isn't so reckless in his rage that he'd cause genuine harm. Not like this, anyway.
Eventually, once he burns through the worst of his anger, the silence from his thoughts--previously oppressive, stifling--shifts to something softer. A clearer mind, which is... the best he's going to get today, honestly.]
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he's gotten better at doing this with one eye gone, at least.
it's only once he notices that oppressive silence becoming a more genuine quiet that he slows and stills, takes up a more defensive stance without fully dropping it.]
...enough?
[or does he need more of this.]
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Really, he could do this all day. It might even be better if he did. He has no intentions of confronting those four face-to-face, but it would help to fully wear himself out anyway. Mathis won't complain.
But Kanda's settled enough that the rest of his emotions can take hold more easily. The heartache and flashbacks, the resentment, the exhaustion. These are things he needs to grapple with alone.
It'll be a little easier now, though. His relationships with those four are broken beyond repair, but he, himself, doesn't have to be. He just needs time.]
For now.
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internally: that's a relief... i think i only could have taken another couple of minutes...
he puts his knife away, then just finds a place to flop onto the ground. oof ough ow. they really did this and then mathis is going to have bruises from kanda, at kanda's trial, very funny actually!!!]
Would you rather I leave you alone for a while...?
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Yeah.
[He doesn't say "please" out loud, but--it's there, implied. He's trusting Mathis to listen, without thinking him cold for it. It's a bigger ask than it seems.]
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[mathis nods, and while it takes him a second to get up-- he pulls himself to his feet once more.]
Um- I'll see you in the morning, but if you decide you would rather train alone too, then... tell me tomorrow, and I'll go work on my own, instead.
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But for now, he just nods; he sheathes Mugen, and turns to walk away, heading off to... somewhere. The rest of his PCs I guess. And then to CYOA and death!!!]