[he's quiet for a few moments, there, debating what he's going to say, before finally-]
I understand why they did it, and it is good to have... anyone back.
But I... I asked Rondo if it was what she would want, and he said that because she'd... struggled to live, in the end, that was why he wanted to bring her back.
[and that isn't...
it's not agreement. anyone wants to live, at the end of their life.]
[He's clearly not fine, but. Well. Isn't this just--typical?
It's not even like he wanted to be informed ahead of time, really. He would've vehemently opposed this plan, and these four would've instantly lost his trust by going through with it anyway. So he's mad about that too, but he harbors no delusions about whether or not his opinions would've made a difference. (They never do. Not when it's about the greater good.)]
[Perhaps for others, Mathis would be right. He's not even necessarily wrong, here; it's clear from the thoughts that slipped out that Kanda has plenty of opinions and emotions he isn't giving voice to.
If there's anyone in this town besides Lavi he could talk to about this who might have a chance of understanding, it would be Mathis--but Kanda wouldn't know how to begin even if he wanted to. He's too used to people either understanding the things he doesn't say, or getting too fed up with him to try.
He stands for a minute, his grip tightening and loosening on Mugen. What he really needs to do is work off some of this visceral anger; he isn't so reckless that he'd truly harm any of those four, but training and meditating are the only things that bring him peace.
Eventually:]
...You should be asking Camille, not me. [Kanda's pissed, yes, but he's ultimately a bystander. Camille's the one who had her life toyed with without her consent.]
I'm going to speak with her, after... I give her a little time to herself.
[camille is On His List don't worry.]
But I wanted to be here.
[once again the thoughtshare makes the inner monologue spill over: 'even if i don't know what to do. but i care about kanda, too. no, don't say that, it wouldn't sound right...']
[...Well, it's kind of answered by Mathis's thoughts anyway, but Kanda doesn't really know what else to say to that, other than:]
Why?
[He harbors no delusions about his own friendliness. Yes, he's helped Mathis learn to fight (kind of). And yes, between memshare and Lucas's death, their relationship has changed drastically--in terms of perception if nothing else, since Kanda doesn't know the first thing about looking out for someone in a normal way. But he's not good company. He tries very hard to be bad company. Surely Mathis has other people he'd rather check in on, even if he wants to give Camille some space--people who won't stonewall him, or otherwise fail to express themselves in any coherent and meaningful way.]
[well. he may as well just say it, if his thoughts are going to continue to be Out Here.]
I'd... like to be closer to you.
[after their shared memories, after everything else-- he wants to try to know him better, and to close some of the distance he keeps, whether he's stonewalled or not. maybe it's mainly their similarities, along with what he'd seen in kanda's memories; even if his own memories of the years he wasn't actually alive aren't his, derived from other people, he still remembers trying to live by his supposed brother's words. not wanting to do anything that would keep others lonely.]
[A year ago, Kanda would have snapped something ruthlessly cold. Focus on doing something useful so you don't die in vain or No one cares what you want or any of the other hundreds of things he's said to Finders and Exorcists and strangers in town. The one person he's ever held dear died by his hand. And when grief and mourning are the first steps down the road to hellish temptation anyway, it's easiest to just... keep those walls up.
Truthfully, it's hard not to say those things now, even to Mathis. A lot has changed for Kanda over the past few months, but it would be so incredibly easy to shut down again. The confession is still ringing in his ears, a stinging reminder of just how foolish it is to... not even trust or befriend, but tolerate people he doesn't truly know.
He thinks of Aqua, a companion in peaceful meditation, turned into a killer against her will. Of Cloud, someone strong and reliable, similar in ways that made it easy to be around him, dead and gone overnight like so many others. Of Caelus, with his entreaties and accusations, caught violently between the monster inside of him and the young soul who died terrified and lonely. Proof, and proof, and more proof.
Kanda will fight to get them all home. He doesn't need to like anyone here to do his job.]
Don't be stupid. [Imagine if he just left it at that. He could. He almost does.] Focus on getting out of here instead of wasting time on me. I could be turning into a monster right now, for all you know.
I... I already have been. There's n-no way to avoid being hurt here, when we keep losing people to possession, or they're... killed by someone possessed.
[nona, iwatooshi, lucas, all taken by the possession. aerith, cloud, marina, all killed. he keeps getting closer to people and then losing them; he keeps growing closer still to the ones who are still alive, who are going to leave wounds behind on his heart when they're pulled away by death. there are people here now who he just...
he can't imagine losing them. he doesn't want to experience the reality of it, should it happen.]
You know what I am. This-- this is still... the first chance I've ever had to live as myself, whoever I turn out to be, and I... I want to use it until we're able to make it out of here, even if it's painful. I want to learn what sort of person I am, and what sort of people others are, and spend time with everyone, a-and--
[thoughtshare doesn't kick in, exactly. there's just the sense that they're not legible because he's emotional, not because he's trying to keep them stifled.]
And it's difficult...! I know that it is! But if I'm capable of living as my own person here, th-then that isn't a waste of my time!
[this is, maybe, the most determined mathis has sounded since he asked kanda to let him join him for training.]
You aren't a waste of my time...!
I sure hope nothing happens that makes Mathis regret this
It's not that no one cares about him. The ones back home make it very clear that they do. Lavi and Lenalee, who've stuck close to him over the years no matter how harshly he's rebuffed them; Marie, who has always made it clear that he feels he owes his life to Kanda; For, who helped him escape when he was blind with pain and grief, and Tiedoll, who gave him the name he uses even now, the closest thing to a father Kanda would have if he considered himself human.
But it's been a long time since someone has simply flat-out said so like this. There have been a few, here, but they've been insistent, sometimes pushy, beyond the point Kanda will allow. He isn't one for grudges, but he has no intention of fixing those relationships, either. You're fine with leaving it like this, someone had said, hurt and accusatory--and he hadn't argued. There was no point.
This outburst toes the line. Mathis's voice rises with his passion, and Kanda's temper--it's so short, it always has been. It would be so easy to shout him down and scare him off. His hand twitches with the urge to raise his sword--sheathed, but enough of a warning--and venom sits on the tip of his tongue, burning with lingering anger from the confession.
...But.
It reminds him of other things, too. Alma crying out his apologies to the others in the pools, promising to return for them, but I can't let Yuu die, we finally became friends--. Of Lenalee, who has every reason to be filled with rage and hate but fights for her beloved friends instead, and Komui, who clawed his way to the top of the Order to chase after her. Of Allen and Lavi--the others like them. The ones who don't know who they are, either.
And that's enough, just barely, to stay his hand.
He still sighs in frustration, restless in his unsettled anger. He still snaps his words--]
Either get out your knife or get lost.
[--but... it's not a rebuke. Right now, violence is the only way Kanda knows how to communicate. Mathis can take it or leave it: It's barely anything, and Kanda won't offer twice. But. It's something.]
[for a minute, he thinks that kanda will rebuff him after all-- and he would accept it, if he did. he wouldn't want to push it. but given half a chance from him, any time, mathis would take it. that's all that he wants, is to be allowed... well, anything. anything, however small.
coming from him, it's more than barely anything.
mathis blinks, frozen for a moment when he answers, but the surprise fades quickly, and he doesn't hesitate to pull out his knife.
it's always pointless to fight kanda, sure. he's faster, stronger, has more reach. a knife couldn't stand up to a sword unless he had the speed to make it work, and he just doesn't--
but what he does have is instinct inherited from his memories. kanda has probably seen it before; mathis lacks physical capability, but he has a sort of muscle memory when it comes to knowing where to dodge or block, where to take a hit properly, how to turn something that should send him flying into a blow that just knocks him over. there's nothing conscious about the way that he fights, he simply does, never thinking about how to move.
mathis rarely strikes first, either, and this is no different. he draws his knife, holds it ready, and waits, poised to move.]
[Kanda's seen enough of Mathis's fighting style (I assume, in handwaved mornings) to not be surprised by how he fights now, it's true. Kanda draws Mugen in silence, and doesn't hesitate to take the first swing.
(Funnily enough, they're alike in this way too, the intrinsic understanding of how to wield their given weapons--it's just not obvious because of how often Kanda trains, and Kanda will never mention it.)
They're just gonna do this for a while honestly because Kanda truly doesn't know how to use his words. And the anger (the hurt, in a way) is clear in the aggression of his movements, in the way he fights--but even now, he doesn't hit harder than he feels Mathis can take. He doesn't pull his strength, of course, he wouldn't have even if Mathis hadn't specifically requested a serious sparring partner, but. Kanda isn't so reckless in his rage that he'd cause genuine harm. Not like this, anyway.
Eventually, once he burns through the worst of his anger, the silence from his thoughts--previously oppressive, stifling--shifts to something softer. A clearer mind, which is... the best he's going to get today, honestly.]
[the aggression is something that he can face. he's fought someone who hits hard before, sparred and trained with somebody who could easily throw him into a wall, so by the time kanda's anger begins to calm, mathis has likely taken a pretty decent number of hits. he can manage to hold up to that. but with any opportunity he gets, he strikes back without hesitation-- he never uses his blade to slice, only to deflect, relying on the hilt of it if not a strike from his other hand or a kick.
he's gotten better at doing this with one eye gone, at least.
it's only once he notices that oppressive silence becoming a more genuine quiet that he slows and stills, takes up a more defensive stance without fully dropping it.]
[He doesn't respond right away, but he slows in tandem with Mathis, lowering his sword.
Really, he could do this all day. It might even be better if he did. He has no intentions of confronting those four face-to-face, but it would help to fully wear himself out anyway. Mathis won't complain.
But Kanda's settled enough that the rest of his emotions can take hold more easily. The heartache and flashbacks, the resentment, the exhaustion. These are things he needs to grapple with alone.
It'll be a little easier now, though. His relationships with those four are broken beyond repair, but he, himself, doesn't have to be. He just needs time.]
internally: that's a relief... i think i only could have taken another couple of minutes...
he puts his knife away, then just finds a place to flop onto the ground. oof ough ow. they really did this and then mathis is going to have bruises from kanda, at kanda's trial, very funny actually!!!]
Would you rather I leave you alone for a while...?
[Throws my hat on the ground as you didn't get scaped TCH]
Yeah.
[He doesn't say "please" out loud, but--it's there, implied. He's trusting Mathis to listen, without thinking him cold for it. It's a bigger ask than it seems.]
[By morning, he will have compartmentalized all of this (kind of)--when Mathis comes to train, Kanda will act as though nothing happened. The only change he'll exhibit moving forward is the coldness he'll treat those four with.
But for now, he just nods; he sheathes Mugen, and turns to walk away, heading off to... somewhere. The rest of his PCs I guess. And then to CYOA and death!!!]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[he's quiet for a few moments, there, debating what he's going to say, before finally-]
I understand why they did it, and it is good to have... anyone back.
But I... I asked Rondo if it was what she would want, and he said that because she'd... struggled to live, in the end, that was why he wanted to bring her back.
[and that isn't...
it's not agreement. anyone wants to live, at the end of their life.]
no subject
I don't care what he wanted.
[That's not the same anyway.
Not that it matters now; what's done is done. They all just have to live with the consequences, now--those who acted, and those who didn't.]
no subject
[he shakes his head, voice quiet.]
I'm-- worried about how she's taking this, as well, but I wanted to... to talk to you.
[he's hesitant to say it aloud, but his thoughts do it for him. 'i care about how you're doing, as well.']
no subject
[He's clearly not fine, but. Well. Isn't this just--typical?
It's not even like he wanted to be informed ahead of time, really. He would've vehemently opposed this plan, and these four would've instantly lost his trust by going through with it anyway. So he's mad about that too, but he harbors no delusions about whether or not his opinions would've made a difference. (They never do. Not when it's about the greater good.)]
There's nothing to say.
no subject
[he's not going to pry too much, even if he's learning to be more direct when it comes to kanda.]
I do... want to listen to you, though.
no subject
If there's anyone in this town besides Lavi he could talk to about this who might have a chance of understanding, it would be Mathis--but Kanda wouldn't know how to begin even if he wanted to. He's too used to people either understanding the things he doesn't say, or getting too fed up with him to try.
He stands for a minute, his grip tightening and loosening on Mugen. What he really needs to do is work off some of this visceral anger; he isn't so reckless that he'd truly harm any of those four, but training and meditating are the only things that bring him peace.
Eventually:]
...You should be asking Camille, not me. [Kanda's pissed, yes, but he's ultimately a bystander. Camille's the one who had her life toyed with without her consent.]
no subject
[camille is On His List don't worry.]
But I wanted to be here.
[once again the thoughtshare makes the inner monologue spill over: 'even if i don't know what to do. but i care about kanda, too. no, don't say that, it wouldn't sound right...']
no subject
Why?
[He harbors no delusions about his own friendliness. Yes, he's helped Mathis learn to fight (kind of). And yes, between memshare and Lucas's death, their relationship has changed drastically--in terms of perception if nothing else, since Kanda doesn't know the first thing about looking out for someone in a normal way. But he's not good company. He tries very hard to be bad company. Surely Mathis has other people he'd rather check in on, even if he wants to give Camille some space--people who won't stonewall him, or otherwise fail to express themselves in any coherent and meaningful way.]
no subject
[well. he may as well just say it, if his thoughts are going to continue to be Out Here.]
I'd... like to be closer to you.
[after their shared memories, after everything else-- he wants to try to know him better, and to close some of the distance he keeps, whether he's stonewalled or not. maybe it's mainly their similarities, along with what he'd seen in kanda's memories; even if his own memories of the years he wasn't actually alive aren't his, derived from other people, he still remembers trying to live by his supposed brother's words. not wanting to do anything that would keep others lonely.]
no subject
Truthfully, it's hard not to say those things now, even to Mathis. A lot has changed for Kanda over the past few months, but it would be so incredibly easy to shut down again. The confession is still ringing in his ears, a stinging reminder of just how foolish it is to... not even trust or befriend, but tolerate people he doesn't truly know.
He thinks of Aqua, a companion in peaceful meditation, turned into a killer against her will. Of Cloud, someone strong and reliable, similar in ways that made it easy to be around him, dead and gone overnight like so many others. Of Caelus, with his entreaties and accusations, caught violently between the monster inside of him and the young soul who died terrified and lonely. Proof, and proof, and more proof.
Kanda will fight to get them all home. He doesn't need to like anyone here to do his job.]
Don't be stupid. [Imagine if he just left it at that. He could. He almost does.] Focus on getting out of here instead of wasting time on me. I could be turning into a monster right now, for all you know.
[You're just going to get hurt.]
no subject
[nona, iwatooshi, lucas, all taken by the possession. aerith, cloud, marina, all killed. he keeps getting closer to people and then losing them; he keeps growing closer still to the ones who are still alive, who are going to leave wounds behind on his heart when they're pulled away by death. there are people here now who he just...
he can't imagine losing them. he doesn't want to experience the reality of it, should it happen.]
You know what I am. This-- this is still... the first chance I've ever had to live as myself, whoever I turn out to be, and I... I want to use it until we're able to make it out of here, even if it's painful. I want to learn what sort of person I am, and what sort of people others are, and spend time with everyone, a-and--
[thoughtshare doesn't kick in, exactly. there's just the sense that they're not legible because he's emotional, not because he's trying to keep them stifled.]
And it's difficult...! I know that it is! But if I'm capable of living as my own person here, th-then that isn't a waste of my time!
[this is, maybe, the most determined mathis has sounded since he asked kanda to let him join him for training.]
You aren't a waste of my time...!
I sure hope nothing happens that makes Mathis regret this
It's not that no one cares about him. The ones back home make it very clear that they do. Lavi and Lenalee, who've stuck close to him over the years no matter how harshly he's rebuffed them; Marie, who has always made it clear that he feels he owes his life to Kanda; For, who helped him escape when he was blind with pain and grief, and Tiedoll, who gave him the name he uses even now, the closest thing to a father Kanda would have if he considered himself human.
But it's been a long time since someone has simply flat-out said so like this. There have been a few, here, but they've been insistent, sometimes pushy, beyond the point Kanda will allow. He isn't one for grudges, but he has no intention of fixing those relationships, either. You're fine with leaving it like this, someone had said, hurt and accusatory--and he hadn't argued. There was no point.
This outburst toes the line. Mathis's voice rises with his passion, and Kanda's temper--it's so short, it always has been. It would be so easy to shout him down and scare him off. His hand twitches with the urge to raise his sword--sheathed, but enough of a warning--and venom sits on the tip of his tongue, burning with lingering anger from the confession.
...But.
It reminds him of other things, too. Alma crying out his apologies to the others in the pools, promising to return for them, but I can't let Yuu die, we finally became friends--. Of Lenalee, who has every reason to be filled with rage and hate but fights for her beloved friends instead, and Komui, who clawed his way to the top of the Order to chase after her. Of Allen and Lavi--the others like them. The ones who don't know who they are, either.
And that's enough, just barely, to stay his hand.
He still sighs in frustration, restless in his unsettled anger. He still snaps his words--]
Either get out your knife or get lost.
[--but... it's not a rebuke. Right now, violence is the only way Kanda knows how to communicate. Mathis can take it or leave it: It's barely anything, and Kanda won't offer twice. But. It's something.]
SHUT YOUR WHOLE FUCK PIXI
coming from him, it's more than barely anything.
mathis blinks, frozen for a moment when he answers, but the surprise fades quickly, and he doesn't hesitate to pull out his knife.
it's always pointless to fight kanda, sure. he's faster, stronger, has more reach. a knife couldn't stand up to a sword unless he had the speed to make it work, and he just doesn't--
but what he does have is instinct inherited from his memories. kanda has probably seen it before; mathis lacks physical capability, but he has a sort of muscle memory when it comes to knowing where to dodge or block, where to take a hit properly, how to turn something that should send him flying into a blow that just knocks him over. there's nothing conscious about the way that he fights, he simply does, never thinking about how to move.
mathis rarely strikes first, either, and this is no different. he draws his knife, holds it ready, and waits, poised to move.]
(pleading_face)
(Funnily enough, they're alike in this way too, the intrinsic understanding of how to wield their given weapons--it's just not obvious because of how often Kanda trains, and Kanda will never mention it.)
They're just gonna do this for a while honestly because Kanda truly doesn't know how to use his words. And the anger (the hurt, in a way) is clear in the aggression of his movements, in the way he fights--but even now, he doesn't hit harder than he feels Mathis can take. He doesn't pull his strength, of course, he wouldn't have even if Mathis hadn't specifically requested a serious sparring partner, but. Kanda isn't so reckless in his rage that he'd cause genuine harm. Not like this, anyway.
Eventually, once he burns through the worst of his anger, the silence from his thoughts--previously oppressive, stifling--shifts to something softer. A clearer mind, which is... the best he's going to get today, honestly.]
no subject
he's gotten better at doing this with one eye gone, at least.
it's only once he notices that oppressive silence becoming a more genuine quiet that he slows and stills, takes up a more defensive stance without fully dropping it.]
...enough?
[or does he need more of this.]
no subject
Really, he could do this all day. It might even be better if he did. He has no intentions of confronting those four face-to-face, but it would help to fully wear himself out anyway. Mathis won't complain.
But Kanda's settled enough that the rest of his emotions can take hold more easily. The heartache and flashbacks, the resentment, the exhaustion. These are things he needs to grapple with alone.
It'll be a little easier now, though. His relationships with those four are broken beyond repair, but he, himself, doesn't have to be. He just needs time.]
For now.
no subject
internally: that's a relief... i think i only could have taken another couple of minutes...
he puts his knife away, then just finds a place to flop onto the ground. oof ough ow. they really did this and then mathis is going to have bruises from kanda, at kanda's trial, very funny actually!!!]
Would you rather I leave you alone for a while...?
no subject
Yeah.
[He doesn't say "please" out loud, but--it's there, implied. He's trusting Mathis to listen, without thinking him cold for it. It's a bigger ask than it seems.]
no subject
[mathis nods, and while it takes him a second to get up-- he pulls himself to his feet once more.]
Um- I'll see you in the morning, but if you decide you would rather train alone too, then... tell me tomorrow, and I'll go work on my own, instead.
no subject
But for now, he just nods; he sheathes Mugen, and turns to walk away, heading off to... somewhere. The rest of his PCs I guess. And then to CYOA and death!!!]