[well, where he's devoid of emotion, mathis is-- very obviously crushed. he's still glittery, he's clearly been sobbing, and he hasn't yet managed to go clean up from either of these things; his voice is still choked when he speaks.]
N-nothing that-- that I...
Um, there was blood in... in the cemetery. Paper. That's... that's all...
maybe, somehow. at least he's seen the letters from the dead. at least he knows that everyone is out there somewhere. this isn't a death on the heels of believing that it's completely the end.
and yet. he feels hollow.]
You can write him after this. Tell him I'll kick his ass if he doesn't write back.
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week 4, friday
Hey. Did you find anything?
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N-nothing that-- that I...
Um, there was blood in... in the cemetery. Paper. That's... that's all...
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...C'mon.
[he'll motion Mathis to follow him somewhere where they can sit down together.]
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[he looks like he might cry again any moment, but. he follows.]
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Who else was with you at the cemetery?
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[mathis sits-- honestly, he's sitting right next to him, he is past being polite or pretending he doesn't need that right now.]
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Karlach?]
...She told me she didn't investigate.
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[oh n]
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She might not have wanted to talk shop with me. I didn't look that great when I saw her.
[And I know she's grieving too. She cared about Ron.]
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he shakes his head, shifts to lean against lavi. maybe it's a little awkward for lavi, and he'll be sorry for that later if so, but.
it's a bad one tonight lads]
...m-maybe. Maybe... that was all it was.
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...We have tomorrow.
[It'll come.]
For now... I'm sorry, Mathis. For Rondo and Kanda.
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[they knew each other, after all, before they ended up here. that kind of loss--
well, it's one mathis understands, after lucas's death.
we were- i thought we were getting a little closer. i don't know.]
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maybe, somehow. at least he's seen the letters from the dead. at least he knows that everyone is out there somewhere. this isn't a death on the heels of believing that it's completely the end.
and yet. he feels hollow.]
You can write him after this. Tell him I'll kick his ass if he doesn't write back.
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[his voice is still soft, raspy from all of his sobbing.
after that- his thoughts are very quiet for another few moments.]
...and, Lavi-
[he hesitates there before he finishes the sentence. working up the nerve, probably.]
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Lavi's quiet at that, and then he looks over at Mathis without asking out loud for Mathis to continue, simply waiting instead.]
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but.]
...I hope it won't... ever come up.
But he isn't here now, s-so-
[another little breath.]
So since you already told me what you wanted, then if you ever need me to, I can take his place.
[even if i want to save you more than most.]
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Could you really kill me?
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If that's still your answer, then I-
[i don't want him to die. i don't want him to die like lucas did. suffer like camille did. i can't let-- i can't-
not again. no more. i can't.
his fingers curl tightly into the fabric of his shirt.]
Then-
[...damn it. he can't even say it out loud; mathis bites his lip, and finally shakes his head, eye closing as he lowers his gaze.]
...
Maybe I can't.
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It's okay if you can't. What's not okay is if you hurt yourself trying to give me something that I want.
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[he struggles with it. searches for the words, or... at least for words that he can actually say. in the end--
in the end, he can't find them, and in his thoughts there's just: but i don't have anything else to give you.]
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So don't beat yourself up about it.
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he's becoming a little more sure of who he is, but if he isn't a person who can do anything, will it matter?
a little of that comes through in his thoughts, though not clearly, but aloud he just says-]
...if you say so.