maybe, somehow. at least he's seen the letters from the dead. at least he knows that everyone is out there somewhere. this isn't a death on the heels of believing that it's completely the end.
and yet. he feels hollow.]
You can write him after this. Tell him I'll kick his ass if he doesn't write back.
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Who else was with you at the cemetery?
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[mathis sits-- honestly, he's sitting right next to him, he is past being polite or pretending he doesn't need that right now.]
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Karlach?]
...She told me she didn't investigate.
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[oh n]
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She might not have wanted to talk shop with me. I didn't look that great when I saw her.
[And I know she's grieving too. She cared about Ron.]
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he shakes his head, shifts to lean against lavi. maybe it's a little awkward for lavi, and he'll be sorry for that later if so, but.
it's a bad one tonight lads]
...m-maybe. Maybe... that was all it was.
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...We have tomorrow.
[It'll come.]
For now... I'm sorry, Mathis. For Rondo and Kanda.
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[they knew each other, after all, before they ended up here. that kind of loss--
well, it's one mathis understands, after lucas's death.
we were- i thought we were getting a little closer. i don't know.]
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maybe, somehow. at least he's seen the letters from the dead. at least he knows that everyone is out there somewhere. this isn't a death on the heels of believing that it's completely the end.
and yet. he feels hollow.]
You can write him after this. Tell him I'll kick his ass if he doesn't write back.
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[his voice is still soft, raspy from all of his sobbing.
after that- his thoughts are very quiet for another few moments.]
...and, Lavi-
[he hesitates there before he finishes the sentence. working up the nerve, probably.]
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Lavi's quiet at that, and then he looks over at Mathis without asking out loud for Mathis to continue, simply waiting instead.]
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but.]
...I hope it won't... ever come up.
But he isn't here now, s-so-
[another little breath.]
So since you already told me what you wanted, then if you ever need me to, I can take his place.
[even if i want to save you more than most.]
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Could you really kill me?
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If that's still your answer, then I-
[i don't want him to die. i don't want him to die like lucas did. suffer like camille did. i can't let-- i can't-
not again. no more. i can't.
his fingers curl tightly into the fabric of his shirt.]
Then-
[...damn it. he can't even say it out loud; mathis bites his lip, and finally shakes his head, eye closing as he lowers his gaze.]
...
Maybe I can't.
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It's okay if you can't. What's not okay is if you hurt yourself trying to give me something that I want.
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[he struggles with it. searches for the words, or... at least for words that he can actually say. in the end--
in the end, he can't find them, and in his thoughts there's just: but i don't have anything else to give you.]
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So don't beat yourself up about it.
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he's becoming a little more sure of who he is, but if he isn't a person who can do anything, will it matter?
a little of that comes through in his thoughts, though not clearly, but aloud he just says-]
...if you say so.