he shrinks back more or less immediately, one hand pressed to his head; just the memory of it hurts, and even if he knows now what was happening... seeing it all again makes his head throb. seeing bourreau--
it's close. it's very close. demanding an answer aloud is about the only thing that keeps knife incident: 2 from happening, distracting him as he blinks up at kanda.]
I...
[well. he's trying. his voice feels stuck in his throat.]
[I was so shocked by Camille that I got distracted
But here's the thing--Kanda is not subtle, at all, about distancing himself from anyone and everyone; 90% of the time, he'll look at something and say "not my problem" if he even bothers to engage with it at all.
And yet--he is, at times, fussier than one might expect. That side of him comes out now; he doesn't reach out or grab Mathis just yet, but he does look at him with his brow furrowed in concern.]
Hey. What's wrong with you? [That's not how you ask if someone is okay but it's. Close enough. Probably.]
[i'll be good, he nearly says. ough. that one really threw him off.]
...that was what happened when I attacked Monsieur Gale. [wizard knife incident... that kanda wasn't there for... mathis assumes he knows, though.] I'm not... stable.
[Well, you know, maybe he'd have something useful to say that, or maybe he wouldn't, because Kanda is a bitch and he sucks at connecting to people, but--
Before he can say or do anything about this one way or the other, Mathis gets to see this memory.
((Oh I forgot JUST IN CASE YOU NEED THEM: CWs are human experimentation, child torture, body horror, violence, mass murder, attempted suicide. Yay]
[he feels-- after all of that, mathis feels as if he can't breathe.
within a few moments, he realizes why. it's because a lump has already formed in his throat, his eyes blurring and stinging, and as he comes back to himself... he can't hold back a sob, the tears falling more freely.
he doesn't know how anyone lives through it all and comes out the other side. that's beyond his admittedly limited experience. but he isn't crying because seeing it is too awful, he's crying because he can't imagine surviving it all and still living and still-- becoming someone reliable, like he seems to be. someone everyone seems to believe when he says he can handle something.
he swipes at his face, takes in a trembling breath.]
[Really, Kanda should be less startled by this than he is. It just happened to Mathis, for one thing; if he hadn't been distracted by Mathis's words, then he would've been much more on guard. And for another--this isn't even the first time that these memories, these exact memories, have been ravaged and displayed against his will. He should've been braced for this, and he should've known it would be this, the past he'd never willingly speak of--the person, that person, the only one he's ever reached out for.
He should've been ready. But he isn't, he isn't prepared at all to relive these memories right now, and when it ends, his expression is the most open it's ever been here. He breathes shakily, his face pale and grief in his eyes; he barely notices Mathis's tears, trying to regain some sense of his body, to remember how old he is, where he is, all the things that have happened since his blade cut through Alma's flesh--
At Mathis's words, he finally manages to pull himself back together. His expression shutters, closing off immediately.]
Don't. [He means for it to sound harsh and angry, but for once, he doesn't succeed; it's just a low, pained rasp.] It has nothing to do with you.
[Even if now, Mathis understands that he can relate--that he's been through the exact same thing, flickering visions and disorientation and headsplitting pain. Whatever he'd planned to say to Mathis before is lost in his instinctive attempts to close himself off again.]
I know... I know that it doesn't, but I know that it must... hurt.
[he wipes at his face again as he shakes his head. it would be easier to just let kanda close himself off, like he wants to, but-
but.
mathis doesn't really know exactly what he's doing. this is relatively new territory, to him; he just knows that he can relate enough to be aware of how painful that is, how something like that would have torn him apart inside. he doesn't know that he would have survived it.]
[Mathis's presence, his voice--even though company is the last thing Kanda wants right now, it's jarring enough to help him refocus on the present. He drags in a shaky breath, his hands balled into fists at his sides, and focuses on clearing his mind. Old memories, old pain--as the shock of having them dragged up fades, the pain starts to ease, too.
He isn't the type of person to say don't worry or it wasn't your fault. Instead, he just lets the words die between them; it's the closest thing to grace he can extend right now.]
If this is what's happening this week...
[Under normal circumstances, he might focus on the fact that they might be able to catch their escaped killer this way. But after what they just experienced, his thoughts aren't on their situation at all, but on the fact that their memories are totally vulnerable.
...
He doesn't finish his thought. After a minute, he looks at Mathis again.]
How long have you been unstable?
[Mathis is not, obviously, a second Exorcist, and whatever's wrong with him won't work the same way, but it's the only frame of reference Kanda has to work with. There's probably nothing he can do to help, but--for once, he feels compelled to ask.]
[he has no way to be certain. less than a year, but...
but. like i mentioned to you, kanda is going to get more context on that since i'm matching you on all this. first, this memory, and then a continuation-- the revelation he had not very long before arriving here.]
[There's a lot to take in here, but the first thing that strikes him is the explanation for Mathis's instability. It's the same reasons he'd been put to death, back then--and if he were more science-oriented himself, he might've had the capacity to wonder what it is about memories and bodies and souls, why they never seem to work the way the people who created them want them to.
(Is it always love? He thinks of kept and broken promises and You've grown up well and the pain of a crumbling body and--)
...But, hold on. That man had said "every night," and yet--]
[it takes him a minute to answer, after going through that once more. it's still-- relatively fresh, to him, only offset by the weeks of being trapped here, and still so...
he doesn't know what to think, anymore.]
It... might be something to do with being summoned here...? I thought- I was expecting to die not long after we arrived, but I'm still...
[instead, others have died. instead, he's been left living while it happens, watching them be lost.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
he shrinks back more or less immediately, one hand pressed to his head; just the memory of it hurts, and even if he knows now what was happening... seeing it all again makes his head throb. seeing bourreau--
it's close. it's very close. demanding an answer aloud is about the only thing that keeps knife incident: 2 from happening, distracting him as he blinks up at kanda.]
I...
[well. he's trying. his voice feels stuck in his throat.]
no subject
But here's the thing--Kanda is not subtle, at all, about distancing himself from anyone and everyone; 90% of the time, he'll look at something and say "not my problem" if he even bothers to engage with it at all.
And yet--he is, at times, fussier than one might expect. That side of him comes out now; he doesn't reach out or grab Mathis just yet, but he does look at him with his brow furrowed in concern.]
Hey. What's wrong with you? [That's not how you ask if someone is okay but it's. Close enough. Probably.]
no subject
[i'll be good, he nearly says. ough. that one really threw him off.]
...that was what happened when I attacked Monsieur Gale. [wizard knife incident... that kanda wasn't there for... mathis assumes he knows, though.] I'm not... stable.
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But. Ah. Strangely enough, his expression settles into understanding.]
Your memories.
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[a little shake of his head.]
I'm... an artificial person, and so my memories... can cause that type of instability.
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Before he can say or do anything about this one way or the other, Mathis gets to see this memory.
((Oh I forgot JUST IN CASE YOU NEED THEM: CWs are human experimentation, child torture, body horror, violence, mass murder, attempted suicide. Yay]
no subject
within a few moments, he realizes why. it's because a lump has already formed in his throat, his eyes blurring and stinging, and as he comes back to himself... he can't hold back a sob, the tears falling more freely.
he doesn't know how anyone lives through it all and comes out the other side. that's beyond his admittedly limited experience. but he isn't crying because seeing it is too awful, he's crying because he can't imagine surviving it all and still living and still-- becoming someone reliable, like he seems to be. someone everyone seems to believe when he says he can handle something.
he swipes at his face, takes in a trembling breath.]
You... went through so much.
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He should've been ready. But he isn't, he isn't prepared at all to relive these memories right now, and when it ends, his expression is the most open it's ever been here. He breathes shakily, his face pale and grief in his eyes; he barely notices Mathis's tears, trying to regain some sense of his body, to remember how old he is, where he is, all the things that have happened since his blade cut through Alma's flesh--
At Mathis's words, he finally manages to pull himself back together. His expression shutters, closing off immediately.]
Don't. [He means for it to sound harsh and angry, but for once, he doesn't succeed; it's just a low, pained rasp.] It has nothing to do with you.
[Even if now, Mathis understands that he can relate--that he's been through the exact same thing, flickering visions and disorientation and headsplitting pain. Whatever he'd planned to say to Mathis before is lost in his instinctive attempts to close himself off again.]
no subject
[he wipes at his face again as he shakes his head. it would be easier to just let kanda close himself off, like he wants to, but-
but.
mathis doesn't really know exactly what he's doing. this is relatively new territory, to him; he just knows that he can relate enough to be aware of how painful that is, how something like that would have torn him apart inside. he doesn't know that he would have survived it.]
I-I'm sorry. I shouldn't have seen it...
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He isn't the type of person to say don't worry or it wasn't your fault. Instead, he just lets the words die between them; it's the closest thing to grace he can extend right now.]
If this is what's happening this week...
[Under normal circumstances, he might focus on the fact that they might be able to catch their escaped killer this way. But after what they just experienced, his thoughts aren't on their situation at all, but on the fact that their memories are totally vulnerable.
...
He doesn't finish his thought. After a minute, he looks at Mathis again.]
How long have you been unstable?
[Mathis is not, obviously, a second Exorcist, and whatever's wrong with him won't work the same way, but it's the only frame of reference Kanda has to work with. There's probably nothing he can do to help, but--for once, he feels compelled to ask.]
no subject
[he has no way to be certain. less than a year, but...
but. like i mentioned to you, kanda is going to get more context on that since i'm matching you on all this. first, this memory, and then a continuation-- the revelation he had not very long before arriving here.]
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(Is it always love? He thinks of kept and broken promises and You've grown up well and the pain of a crumbling body and--)
...But, hold on. That man had said "every night," and yet--]
You haven't died.
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[it takes him a minute to answer, after going through that once more. it's still-- relatively fresh, to him, only offset by the weeks of being trapped here, and still so...
he doesn't know what to think, anymore.]
It... might be something to do with being summoned here...? I thought- I was expecting to die not long after we arrived, but I'm still...
[instead, others have died. instead, he's been left living while it happens, watching them be lost.]
no subject
[So it's not like it's a huge surprise that their bodies are affected, but--he hadn't thought about it in terms of something like this.]