I know... I know that it doesn't, but I know that it must... hurt.
[he wipes at his face again as he shakes his head. it would be easier to just let kanda close himself off, like he wants to, but-
but.
mathis doesn't really know exactly what he's doing. this is relatively new territory, to him; he just knows that he can relate enough to be aware of how painful that is, how something like that would have torn him apart inside. he doesn't know that he would have survived it.]
[Mathis's presence, his voice--even though company is the last thing Kanda wants right now, it's jarring enough to help him refocus on the present. He drags in a shaky breath, his hands balled into fists at his sides, and focuses on clearing his mind. Old memories, old pain--as the shock of having them dragged up fades, the pain starts to ease, too.
He isn't the type of person to say don't worry or it wasn't your fault. Instead, he just lets the words die between them; it's the closest thing to grace he can extend right now.]
If this is what's happening this week...
[Under normal circumstances, he might focus on the fact that they might be able to catch their escaped killer this way. But after what they just experienced, his thoughts aren't on their situation at all, but on the fact that their memories are totally vulnerable.
...
He doesn't finish his thought. After a minute, he looks at Mathis again.]
How long have you been unstable?
[Mathis is not, obviously, a second Exorcist, and whatever's wrong with him won't work the same way, but it's the only frame of reference Kanda has to work with. There's probably nothing he can do to help, but--for once, he feels compelled to ask.]
[he has no way to be certain. less than a year, but...
but. like i mentioned to you, kanda is going to get more context on that since i'm matching you on all this. first, this memory, and then a continuation-- the revelation he had not very long before arriving here.]
[There's a lot to take in here, but the first thing that strikes him is the explanation for Mathis's instability. It's the same reasons he'd been put to death, back then--and if he were more science-oriented himself, he might've had the capacity to wonder what it is about memories and bodies and souls, why they never seem to work the way the people who created them want them to.
(Is it always love? He thinks of kept and broken promises and You've grown up well and the pain of a crumbling body and--)
...But, hold on. That man had said "every night," and yet--]
[it takes him a minute to answer, after going through that once more. it's still-- relatively fresh, to him, only offset by the weeks of being trapped here, and still so...
he doesn't know what to think, anymore.]
It... might be something to do with being summoned here...? I thought- I was expecting to die not long after we arrived, but I'm still...
[instead, others have died. instead, he's been left living while it happens, watching them be lost.]
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[he wipes at his face again as he shakes his head. it would be easier to just let kanda close himself off, like he wants to, but-
but.
mathis doesn't really know exactly what he's doing. this is relatively new territory, to him; he just knows that he can relate enough to be aware of how painful that is, how something like that would have torn him apart inside. he doesn't know that he would have survived it.]
I-I'm sorry. I shouldn't have seen it...
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He isn't the type of person to say don't worry or it wasn't your fault. Instead, he just lets the words die between them; it's the closest thing to grace he can extend right now.]
If this is what's happening this week...
[Under normal circumstances, he might focus on the fact that they might be able to catch their escaped killer this way. But after what they just experienced, his thoughts aren't on their situation at all, but on the fact that their memories are totally vulnerable.
...
He doesn't finish his thought. After a minute, he looks at Mathis again.]
How long have you been unstable?
[Mathis is not, obviously, a second Exorcist, and whatever's wrong with him won't work the same way, but it's the only frame of reference Kanda has to work with. There's probably nothing he can do to help, but--for once, he feels compelled to ask.]
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[he has no way to be certain. less than a year, but...
but. like i mentioned to you, kanda is going to get more context on that since i'm matching you on all this. first, this memory, and then a continuation-- the revelation he had not very long before arriving here.]
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(Is it always love? He thinks of kept and broken promises and You've grown up well and the pain of a crumbling body and--)
...But, hold on. That man had said "every night," and yet--]
You haven't died.
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[it takes him a minute to answer, after going through that once more. it's still-- relatively fresh, to him, only offset by the weeks of being trapped here, and still so...
he doesn't know what to think, anymore.]
It... might be something to do with being summoned here...? I thought- I was expecting to die not long after we arrived, but I'm still...
[instead, others have died. instead, he's been left living while it happens, watching them be lost.]
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[So it's not like it's a huge surprise that their bodies are affected, but--he hadn't thought about it in terms of something like this.]