...I know it feels hopeless. But I was always the type to abandon hope, right from the start.
You never did. So I tried to learn from you and Kar, to maybe finally put my hopes in something. That we'll survive this, and find a way to get the others back, and put an end to all this misery. And when we do -- I want you there with us.
[at this, Lavi abandons his soup and ice that he hasn't been really paying attention to since this conversation started, reaching out instead to -- what? he's not sure, but he feels like he has to do more than sit across this table and stare at him. he puts his hand on the table between them, fingers curling.]
Mathis. ...I told you my answer. I want to hear yours.
[he hesitates, but. after a pause, he reaches out to take his hand. an anchor, a grounding point.
the guilt is even stronger when he answers.]
I don't think that I want to be.
[he admits quietly, voice still choked.]
I've tried to hold onto that hope, I have, and I think-- I think this will turn out all right, but I... I don't know whether I can stay here and watch nearly all of us die, Lavi, I already lost so many of them, I'd never-- I'd never even truly lost someone close to me, before this, and Scien said that he wouldn't be disappointed in me for giving up and now he's gone, too, and they already avoid telling me things because they don't think that I can handle it and I-- I'm so--
I'm tired. I don't... know what to do, but I don't want to hurt anyone, or... for you to think less of me for it.
[Lavi listens, because he'd asked to know this answer -- emotions can only go so far. He can feel all of this from Mathis and maybe he's been feeling it for weeks, but there has to be more -- there has to be words too. So he listens to them, quietly and silently. His expression patient, his own emotions calm.]
I don't think less of you. ...I'm glad you told me. But you've always been that way -- brave enough to share your feelings.
[regardless of what the answer might be. Lavi can treasure this part of Mathis, unchanged even now.]
...You said you don't know what to do here. But do you know what you want to do if you weren't?
[it's not accusatory, in tone or emotion, but just a simple question]
...I don't. I can't know, without... being aware of what's happening wherever they are. I just know that every time I think of being one of the only ones left, I...
[well. the dread that creeps into his emotions there speaks for him. he's terrified of it, of seeing all of them go, of... of ending up envying them for not being in that position.]
My partner is already... angry with me for it. I couldn't-- I had to be honest with them, first.
They can be angry. Just like how you can feel the way you feel.
...It could be worse over there. Even though you wouldn't be in danger of losing yourself or other people. You'll have to watch us get hurt. You might wish you could be with us instead.
I would still want to be with you, even if it were better there. I don't-- I've been hurt enough by people leaving, and it's only going to keep happening, but I don't want to... hurt anyone else in the same way.
[he knows he would. he knows they want him to live. but they're asking so much.]
I'm already exhausted, and I would still have to prove that I wouldn't just... be a liability, if I stayed...
You don't have to prove that. You've been doing the exact same things as the rest of us have.
[but he knows that if Mathis feels that way -- then it'll be hard not to. and lavi himself feels that way too, the helplessness of each and every action]
...What about this, then? What if you waited until we get our next note? For the next set of letters? If you still feel the same way after, then you'll have more of a reason to make a decision.
If I've been doing the exact same things the rest of us have, but I still barely know anything, then--
[...he cuts himself off there, shaking his head. he doesn't want to feel that way about it, he knows there are reasons, but it's still the truth that he's had no idea about so many things, and that they kept writing him pleading with him to live despite the pain while only one would tell him why it was going to hurt.
[his brow furrows a little in confusion at the first part, but then Mathis asks and Lavi wonders about the question himself,]
So you want to beat me to the punch then? Just in case?
[the tone is light because he has to try to be light in some shape or form, before he settles back into something serious.]
If I die next week, then I'd want you to stay alive to find out who killed me. If I'm the killer, then I'd want you to stay alive long enough to help catch me. But if I'm neither, then I want you to stick around and help me.
[...he doesn't know how he wants to finish that sentence, emotions swirling messily. he'd still ask mathis to stay, even though he doesn't know how he could even help, even though he-
somewhere in that mess there's fondness. warmth. something hopeless, helpless. (hearing him say things like that is how mathis developed this problem in the first place.)]
Then I'll write you an extra annoying letter, like all the ones I've sent already.
[he picks up the little napkin of ice, now incredibly damp, and tries to tip it back into the cup. to keep busy as his own emotions linger on the what if. at this juncture, loss will always hurt -- and losing mathis will hurt more than most, a reflection of missing him and of knowing that in some way, he failed him. but he knows that's self-centered, and reality doesn't always shape itself the way he thinks it should. not even the reality he'd prefer.
he tips every cube back with his free hand and sets it back on the table.]
And I'll keep going, so I can bring you and everyone else back. ...And I'd definitely ask for a chance to say goodbye.
I think I'm... I'm starting to understand why Karlach didn't tell any of us.
[he murmurs, but there's no heat behind it. he just reaches up to rub at his eye, squeezing it shut for a few moments-- not now, not now, he really doesn't want to cry.]
There might not... be a chance to say goodbye. I would want to give you one, I promise, but it doesn't always...
[how many have they lost that way?]
So-- so tell me now, and then you won't have to lose that chance. Even if I stay.
[the corner of his mouth quirks up at that, rueful. it's something he wants to argue against right away, but knowing Mathis's feelings and listening to what he just said -- ....
is it any different from all those weeks ago? when they both thought Mathis would die? but back then -- Mathis hadn't wanted to die (but he'd also accepted it if it happened). but time goes on, and now they're here, weeks later.]
[he squeezes his hand back, but he doesn't manage an answer-- he really is tearing up, after lavi listens and follows through with it, emotions worn out and grateful and despondent and affectionate all at once.
he still doesn't know if he can do this, but damned if the most effective thing anyone has said to him this whole weekend isn't... that he tried to learn to hold on to that hope from him.
after a minute, he finally picks up with,]
What-- what if I'm not strong enough for this, Lavi. I already don't think that I am.
I want to help you because I want you to stay, Mathis. Don't say it like -- [the exhaustion just comes back, twofold, threefold. he presses his cold hand against his face to snap him out of it]
...Don't say it like I don't. I said I'll respect whatever decision you make.
[that spike of frustration gets a little jolt of surprise and alarm, in turn. a little guilt, a little self-consciousness.]
Lavi, I... [a little squeeze of his hand.] ...Th-then let me ask you something unfair.
I know... that you don't feel the same.
[he struggles to keep it muted, but the flicker of pain when he says it is there, much as he tries to bury it. he can't kill it. he's tried.]
But, please, if you want to help me, then you have to let me help you. At least try to let me in enough for that. I can't just be... if I can't be someone who can help you in turn, then I don't know if I can decide to stay.
[he can't do this if it's one-sided like that. if he's the only one being supported. if he feels like... like he's another problem that exists here. this has to be mutual, he needs to know that it is.]
Edited (comes back for this at not 1am) 2024-07-21 19:33 (UTC)
[Lavi feels the flicker of pain, and the same guilt rises in him in response, though it's swamped by the exhaustion from earlier. his face hurts, his body hurts, he's tired and he can only replay the trial in his head. he can only think of Kate jerking back in fear from him and Laudna putting her to rest, even though Kate had been trying too, to be of use and helpful. but he tries -- he can put it aside, all of it, for this conversation now. but then Mathis continues talking, and he can only feel the confusion rise in him in return,
letting him in just means admitting to his own frustration and rage and impotence, of walking off like he did last Saturday and remembering all of Bookman's mantras, of asking 'so if I don't let you in, then you'll just die?'
I won't... I won't just be a weight on you, and on everyone else. I can't do that, Lavi.
[he really won't make it, if it's like that, but especially when it comes to him.]
I'm willing to wait, and I'm... willing to try, but I can't accept help from you and not help you. Even if you say that you're fine. I know-- I know how heavy things like this are, and if you want to stay until the end, but you won't let any of us share it with you... how heavy is it going to be by then?
[there is, for... honestly, for the first time this week, a tiny flicker of determination.]
So-- so share it with me. Tell me. Let me at least try. I won't make it a condition of staying, I... I won't put that weight on you, too, but if we are both here... that's what I want.
[...]
And if you aren't already paired with someone, then I want to ask you to... to be my partner, when Ashlyn dies. Her monster is a manticore, too.
[if Lavi were a normal person then he'd be touched, he'd try to open up to this -- others have tried, so many people have, and he's responded to them in turn -- so at this point, there is really no reason to say no or to refuse.
But Lavi is not a normal person, not when he's conditioned himself to do exactly none of these things. the extent that he is letting himself feel, the small space he's letting people see -- it's so much from him already. even though it's barely anything at all if he was normal. if this is what mathis wants, then Lavi can at least try to shape an honest response back.]
Honestly, Mathis -- you're helping just by being here. ...But now I know that's not enough for you. [rubs his face] I won't promise or say that I'll let you or anyone else in. ...But I'll try.
[will he succeed? he doesn't know. but he could have easily lied and agreed, but he won't. this is as much as he can give too.]
I have a partner, but I know a few people who don't, so I can ask them for you.
[there's the briefest little tinge of worry at the last answer, just because-- well, it's still going to be a lot at this point, to agree to tie himself to someone, and it makes him nervous not knowing what his options are going to be. but the people he would trust the most with it are already paired.]
All that I want is... for you to try.
[that's enough for him, after what he's seen of lavi, what he knows. he knows it's hard. but it's hard for him to stay when he's asked, so isn't it fair?]
I know-- I know that everyone says it's enough to be here, but it doesn't feel very much like it. Especially considering our situation. If I try to live, then... how can I stay over anyone else if all I'm contributing is being here?
[a little shake of his head.]
I only heard vaguely about some of the notes, I had no idea we've been finding anything at all or that we had any theories until Gojo told our group in the garden the other night-- I did get one letter mentioning the numbers, but someone came to me later to tell me about it, because they thought no one else was going to.
[so it's difficult to feel like he has anything to contribute.]
I mean, I don't know if we're the ones finding anything. No one who wrote to me even mentioned the number. I only learned about that from Laudna and Yuffie's letters.
The dead can't share everything they want to. But what's obvious is that they need us to be here, so that someone can do what they can't. I think what they need is us to keep distracting the cult, keep their attention occupied so they don't start looking for where the dead are.
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...I know it feels hopeless. But I was always the type to abandon hope, right from the start.
You never did. So I tried to learn from you and Kar, to maybe finally put my hopes in something. That we'll survive this, and find a way to get the others back, and put an end to all this misery. And when we do -- I want you there with us.
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I--
[he's a little too choked up by that to speak.
he doesn't want to be a disappointment. you and kar, he says, but karlach chose not to stay, he's the only one of the two left, he--]
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Mathis. ...I told you my answer. I want to hear yours.
What do you want?
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the guilt is even stronger when he answers.]
I don't think that I want to be.
[he admits quietly, voice still choked.]
I've tried to hold onto that hope, I have, and I think-- I think this will turn out all right, but I... I don't know whether I can stay here and watch nearly all of us die, Lavi, I already lost so many of them, I'd never-- I'd never even truly lost someone close to me, before this, and Scien said that he wouldn't be disappointed in me for giving up and now he's gone, too, and they already avoid telling me things because they don't think that I can handle it and I-- I'm so--
I'm tired. I don't... know what to do, but I don't want to hurt anyone, or... for you to think less of me for it.
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I don't think less of you. ...I'm glad you told me. But you've always been that way -- brave enough to share your feelings.
[regardless of what the answer might be. Lavi can treasure this part of Mathis, unchanged even now.]
...You said you don't know what to do here. But do you know what you want to do if you weren't?
[it's not accusatory, in tone or emotion, but just a simple question]
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[well. the dread that creeps into his emotions there speaks for him. he's terrified of it, of seeing all of them go, of... of ending up envying them for not being in that position.]
My partner is already... angry with me for it. I couldn't-- I had to be honest with them, first.
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They can be angry. Just like how you can feel the way you feel.
...It could be worse over there. Even though you wouldn't be in danger of losing yourself or other people. You'll have to watch us get hurt. You might wish you could be with us instead.
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[he knows he would. he knows they want him to live. but they're asking so much.]
I'm already exhausted, and I would still have to prove that I wouldn't just... be a liability, if I stayed...
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[but he knows that if Mathis feels that way -- then it'll be hard not to. and lavi himself feels that way too, the helplessness of each and every action]
...What about this, then? What if you waited until we get our next note? For the next set of letters? If you still feel the same way after, then you'll have more of a reason to make a decision.
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[...he cuts himself off there, shaking his head. he doesn't want to feel that way about it, he knows there are reasons, but it's still the truth that he's had no idea about so many things, and that they kept writing him pleading with him to live despite the pain while only one would tell him why it was going to hurt.
finally, he asks instead:]
If I wait, then what if next time, it's you...?
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So you want to beat me to the punch then? Just in case?
[the tone is light because he has to try to be light in some shape or form, before he settles back into something serious.]
If I die next week, then I'd want you to stay alive to find out who killed me. If I'm the killer, then I'd want you to stay alive long enough to help catch me. But if I'm neither, then I want you to stick around and help me.
That's what I'd want, if you waited.
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[...he doesn't know how he wants to finish that sentence, emotions swirling messily. he'd still ask mathis to stay, even though he doesn't know how he could even help, even though he-
somewhere in that mess there's fondness. warmth. something hopeless, helpless. (hearing him say things like that is how mathis developed this problem in the first place.)]
And if I didn't?
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[he picks up the little napkin of ice, now incredibly damp, and tries to tip it back into the cup. to keep busy as his own emotions linger on the what if. at this juncture, loss will always hurt -- and losing mathis will hurt more than most, a reflection of missing him and of knowing that in some way, he failed him. but he knows that's self-centered, and reality doesn't always shape itself the way he thinks it should. not even the reality he'd prefer.
he tips every cube back with his free hand and sets it back on the table.]
And I'll keep going, so I can bring you and everyone else back. ...And I'd definitely ask for a chance to say goodbye.
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[he murmurs, but there's no heat behind it. he just reaches up to rub at his eye, squeezing it shut for a few moments-- not now, not now, he really doesn't want to cry.]
There might not... be a chance to say goodbye. I would want to give you one, I promise, but it doesn't always...
[how many have they lost that way?]
So-- so tell me now, and then you won't have to lose that chance. Even if I stay.
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is it any different from all those weeks ago? when they both thought Mathis would die? but back then -- Mathis hadn't wanted to die (but he'd also accepted it if it happened). but time goes on, and now they're here, weeks later.]
Okay.
[he squeezes Mathis's hand in his]
Goodbye, Mathis. Till next time.
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he still doesn't know if he can do this, but damned if the most effective thing anyone has said to him this whole weekend isn't... that he tried to learn to hold on to that hope from him.
after a minute, he finally picks up with,]
What-- what if I'm not strong enough for this, Lavi. I already don't think that I am.
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[for living, for dying. for anything.]
No one is strong enough to do either on their own. And you've got people on both sides who wanna help you.
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[small, closer to plaintive. he doesn't know how to survive this.]
I'll wait for the letters, but... please.
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I want to help you because I want you to stay, Mathis. Don't say it like -- [the exhaustion just comes back, twofold, threefold. he presses his cold hand against his face to snap him out of it]
...Don't say it like I don't. I said I'll respect whatever decision you make.
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[that spike of frustration gets a little jolt of surprise and alarm, in turn. a little guilt, a little self-consciousness.]
Lavi, I... [a little squeeze of his hand.] ...Th-then let me ask you something unfair.
I know... that you don't feel the same.
[he struggles to keep it muted, but the flicker of pain when he says it is there, much as he tries to bury it. he can't kill it. he's tried.]
But, please, if you want to help me, then you have to let me help you. At least try to let me in enough for that. I can't just be... if I can't be someone who can help you in turn, then I don't know if I can decide to stay.
[he can't do this if it's one-sided like that. if he's the only one being supported. if he feels like... like he's another problem that exists here. this has to be mutual, he needs to know that it is.]
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letting him in just means admitting to his own frustration and rage and impotence, of walking off like he did last Saturday and remembering all of Bookman's mantras, of asking 'so if I don't let you in, then you'll just die?'
he works his jaw,]
Let you in how? What are you asking for exactly?
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[he really won't make it, if it's like that, but especially when it comes to him.]
I'm willing to wait, and I'm... willing to try, but I can't accept help from you and not help you. Even if you say that you're fine. I know-- I know how heavy things like this are, and if you want to stay until the end, but you won't let any of us share it with you... how heavy is it going to be by then?
[there is, for... honestly, for the first time this week, a tiny flicker of determination.]
So-- so share it with me. Tell me. Let me at least try. I won't make it a condition of staying, I... I won't put that weight on you, too, but if we are both here... that's what I want.
[...]
And if you aren't already paired with someone, then I want to ask you to... to be my partner, when Ashlyn dies. Her monster is a manticore, too.
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But Lavi is not a normal person, not when he's conditioned himself to do exactly none of these things. the extent that he is letting himself feel, the small space he's letting people see -- it's so much from him already. even though it's barely anything at all if he was normal. if this is what mathis wants, then Lavi can at least try to shape an honest response back.]
Honestly, Mathis -- you're helping just by being here. ...But now I know that's not enough for you. [rubs his face] I won't promise or say that I'll let you or anyone else in. ...But I'll try.
[will he succeed? he doesn't know. but he could have easily lied and agreed, but he won't. this is as much as he can give too.]
I have a partner, but I know a few people who don't, so I can ask them for you.
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All that I want is... for you to try.
[that's enough for him, after what he's seen of lavi, what he knows. he knows it's hard. but it's hard for him to stay when he's asked, so isn't it fair?]
I know-- I know that everyone says it's enough to be here, but it doesn't feel very much like it. Especially considering our situation. If I try to live, then... how can I stay over anyone else if all I'm contributing is being here?
[a little shake of his head.]
I only heard vaguely about some of the notes, I had no idea we've been finding anything at all or that we had any theories until Gojo told our group in the garden the other night-- I did get one letter mentioning the numbers, but someone came to me later to tell me about it, because they thought no one else was going to.
[so it's difficult to feel like he has anything to contribute.]
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The dead can't share everything they want to. But what's obvious is that they need us to be here, so that someone can do what they can't. I think what they need is us to keep distracting the cult, keep their attention occupied so they don't start looking for where the dead are.
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