I won't... I won't just be a weight on you, and on everyone else. I can't do that, Lavi.
[he really won't make it, if it's like that, but especially when it comes to him.]
I'm willing to wait, and I'm... willing to try, but I can't accept help from you and not help you. Even if you say that you're fine. I know-- I know how heavy things like this are, and if you want to stay until the end, but you won't let any of us share it with you... how heavy is it going to be by then?
[there is, for... honestly, for the first time this week, a tiny flicker of determination.]
So-- so share it with me. Tell me. Let me at least try. I won't make it a condition of staying, I... I won't put that weight on you, too, but if we are both here... that's what I want.
[...]
And if you aren't already paired with someone, then I want to ask you to... to be my partner, when Ashlyn dies. Her monster is a manticore, too.
[if Lavi were a normal person then he'd be touched, he'd try to open up to this -- others have tried, so many people have, and he's responded to them in turn -- so at this point, there is really no reason to say no or to refuse.
But Lavi is not a normal person, not when he's conditioned himself to do exactly none of these things. the extent that he is letting himself feel, the small space he's letting people see -- it's so much from him already. even though it's barely anything at all if he was normal. if this is what mathis wants, then Lavi can at least try to shape an honest response back.]
Honestly, Mathis -- you're helping just by being here. ...But now I know that's not enough for you. [rubs his face] I won't promise or say that I'll let you or anyone else in. ...But I'll try.
[will he succeed? he doesn't know. but he could have easily lied and agreed, but he won't. this is as much as he can give too.]
I have a partner, but I know a few people who don't, so I can ask them for you.
[there's the briefest little tinge of worry at the last answer, just because-- well, it's still going to be a lot at this point, to agree to tie himself to someone, and it makes him nervous not knowing what his options are going to be. but the people he would trust the most with it are already paired.]
All that I want is... for you to try.
[that's enough for him, after what he's seen of lavi, what he knows. he knows it's hard. but it's hard for him to stay when he's asked, so isn't it fair?]
I know-- I know that everyone says it's enough to be here, but it doesn't feel very much like it. Especially considering our situation. If I try to live, then... how can I stay over anyone else if all I'm contributing is being here?
[a little shake of his head.]
I only heard vaguely about some of the notes, I had no idea we've been finding anything at all or that we had any theories until Gojo told our group in the garden the other night-- I did get one letter mentioning the numbers, but someone came to me later to tell me about it, because they thought no one else was going to.
[so it's difficult to feel like he has anything to contribute.]
I mean, I don't know if we're the ones finding anything. No one who wrote to me even mentioned the number. I only learned about that from Laudna and Yuffie's letters.
The dead can't share everything they want to. But what's obvious is that they need us to be here, so that someone can do what they can't. I think what they need is us to keep distracting the cult, keep their attention occupied so they don't start looking for where the dead are.
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[he really won't make it, if it's like that, but especially when it comes to him.]
I'm willing to wait, and I'm... willing to try, but I can't accept help from you and not help you. Even if you say that you're fine. I know-- I know how heavy things like this are, and if you want to stay until the end, but you won't let any of us share it with you... how heavy is it going to be by then?
[there is, for... honestly, for the first time this week, a tiny flicker of determination.]
So-- so share it with me. Tell me. Let me at least try. I won't make it a condition of staying, I... I won't put that weight on you, too, but if we are both here... that's what I want.
[...]
And if you aren't already paired with someone, then I want to ask you to... to be my partner, when Ashlyn dies. Her monster is a manticore, too.
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But Lavi is not a normal person, not when he's conditioned himself to do exactly none of these things. the extent that he is letting himself feel, the small space he's letting people see -- it's so much from him already. even though it's barely anything at all if he was normal. if this is what mathis wants, then Lavi can at least try to shape an honest response back.]
Honestly, Mathis -- you're helping just by being here. ...But now I know that's not enough for you. [rubs his face] I won't promise or say that I'll let you or anyone else in. ...But I'll try.
[will he succeed? he doesn't know. but he could have easily lied and agreed, but he won't. this is as much as he can give too.]
I have a partner, but I know a few people who don't, so I can ask them for you.
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All that I want is... for you to try.
[that's enough for him, after what he's seen of lavi, what he knows. he knows it's hard. but it's hard for him to stay when he's asked, so isn't it fair?]
I know-- I know that everyone says it's enough to be here, but it doesn't feel very much like it. Especially considering our situation. If I try to live, then... how can I stay over anyone else if all I'm contributing is being here?
[a little shake of his head.]
I only heard vaguely about some of the notes, I had no idea we've been finding anything at all or that we had any theories until Gojo told our group in the garden the other night-- I did get one letter mentioning the numbers, but someone came to me later to tell me about it, because they thought no one else was going to.
[so it's difficult to feel like he has anything to contribute.]
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The dead can't share everything they want to. But what's obvious is that they need us to be here, so that someone can do what they can't. I think what they need is us to keep distracting the cult, keep their attention occupied so they don't start looking for where the dead are.
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[mathis sitting there in curfew like the huh? we what? huh??]
--w-wait, is attracting attention what all of the curses are about-?!
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[lavi knows how he feels about some of the curses by now BUT THAT'S! WORSE!]