[ it's hard to imagine a life where he doesn't love sazantos. some part of him is still stuck in the nostalgia of days gone by - some part maybe always will be. it's so hard to compare the two figures: the man in the mask, and the one who saved rondo's life.
he doesn't sound upset about it or anything, though. just kind of thoughtful. ] It took me a while to understand that's what those feelings were, but... as I got older, I knew. And the more time that we spent together, the worse that it got. I used to live for hearing him call my name.
[ Rondo. the sound of it haunts his dreams, even here. ]
But... I don't think he'd never, ever, ever in a thousand years feel the same way that I did, for a lot of reasons. It never stopped me from loving him, though.
[ it's a good question - and it's one he has to stop to consider for a moment, quiet. ]
...Well... my situation is a little complicated. [ considering sazantos. you know. jumped off the cliff into crazy town. there's a little bit of a smile. ] And it's more... I think it'll be a "could", as opposed to a "have". Everything is still in motion, after all.
And, I can't really express how much of my life has been built around Sir Sazantos. He's been my everything, for a long time. But... [ mm. ] ...but, I think I could. I hope I can. I don't want to lose sight of the chance because I'm living in the past.
[ he fiddles absently with the ribbon tied around his wrist, twisting it as he talks. ]
...the point is that - I think loving someone changed me, even if that person didn't love me back. And I'm a better person for loving him. That, I know for sure.
[he glances down to the ribbon when rondo fiddles with it, watching, but. he doesn't mention it aloud, just smiles slightly.
after a few moments of contemplation:]
I think that it's going to be similar, for me. You saw my memories, so you're aware that I loved Ceres, too, but even if I've felt that love for her... I can't be certain it really is mine. That I truly love her just for the time we spent together, for herself, and that I wasn't influenced by Camille's memory of Rosalie.
[even now, even working on developing more of his own sense of self... he isn't sure.]
But no matter what happens, having those feelings here... it means that I can love someone entirely on my own. That couldn't have come from anyone else.
as mathis is talking, he might be able to see it out of the corner of his eye - rondo's smile breaks across his face as he reaches the end, warming up his entire expression as he details his realization.
because he has seen those things. for not the first time, rondo thinks of that moment in hell, where mathis looked the devil in the eye and chose hope. for not the first time, there's a swelling sense of - pride, for him, for all the growth he's done despite all the horrors and agonies of this place. growth, his growth. not influenced by the false butler, by false memories.
he leans over a little and nudges his shoulder into his as he says it, a light, playful jostle, and smiles down at mathis after, his expression just overwhelmingly warm and affectionate and proud. i'm proud to know you, all over his face. ]
That's exactly right. [ yours. your memories. your love. your feelings. your humanity. ] And every experience that you have here - good and bad - they are your experiences to have, and yours alone. So that you could have such a positive one, even if it wasn't returned...
[ he trails off, and just makes a little ah! noise, like he can't even get the words out. because he can't!! ] I'm so happy for you to have had it. I'm so proud of you, you know: it takes a lot of courage to continue to wade into those waters. It's the most human thing there possibly is.
[he smiles a little brighter with that nudge, nearly laughing, though he does stifle it for the most part.
this is exactly what he means when he says-- rondo is a warm person. bright, and kind, and affectionate; he is, mathis thinks, something like the sort of person that he'd like to be. (he wonders briefly whether he might love him a little too, in a way.)]
I've been trying to. It can be intimidating, at times, but I think... I like to think that I'm different from the person I was when I came here.
[that he's grown. become more himself, someone uniquely 'mathis'.
but it's after this that he rests a hand on rondo's wrist, gently touching the ribbon.]
Is this new? I don't think that I've seen you wear it.
[ cute. it's nice to see him brighter - especially after that conversation about the curses? so he's glad to see mathis warm up again. ]
I think you are, too. I mean, the first day we were here, you ran away from me! And now look at us, we can sit here and talk as if we've known each other for a lifetime.
[ and that's a big deal!!! it makes him really happy. he's so glad to have known mathis, and glad to know him now.
but! ah!! the question has him blink, looking down at his wrist and turning it a little. the ribbon is pink JK ITS PINK I HAD TO ASK ]
This? Oh! No, no. Marina gave it to me a few weeks ago! When Miss Laudna had us all play that game. She was just teasing me, I think, but she said it was a 'protection charm', so that I could swear and play along. I didn't, of course, because I wouldn't, but...
[ well. his smile softens a little as he turns his wrist. ] ... well, the sentiment behind such a thing is nice, isn't it? That someone wants to protect you.
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[ god doesn't he. but he covers their hands with his other one, reassuring. ] Do... you want to talk about it? We don't have to.
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[so, not that he's unwilling, but some of the feelings do revolve around things that he's keeping private.]
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[ so, yeah! he is a respectful and private boy. rondo nods, though, falling quiet for a long moment, and keeping a hold of mathis' hand. ]
I - well. You saw my memories. [ a little huff. ] Did you know that I fell in love with Sir Sazantos at first sight? That was nearly a decade ago.
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[he very much got that impression.]
Did that change, after what happened?
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[ it's hard to imagine a life where he doesn't love sazantos. some part of him is still stuck in the nostalgia of days gone by - some part maybe always will be. it's so hard to compare the two figures: the man in the mask, and the one who saved rondo's life.
he doesn't sound upset about it or anything, though. just kind of thoughtful. ] It took me a while to understand that's what those feelings were, but... as I got older, I knew. And the more time that we spent together, the worse that it got. I used to live for hearing him call my name.
[ Rondo. the sound of it haunts his dreams, even here. ]
But... I don't think he'd never, ever, ever in a thousand years feel the same way that I did, for a lot of reasons. It never stopped me from loving him, though.
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[mostly out of curiosity-- is he dedicated to nothing but a love that won't be returned? or is that a flame that he can keep lit along with another?]
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...Well... my situation is a little complicated. [ considering sazantos. you know. jumped off the cliff into crazy town. there's a little bit of a smile. ] And it's more... I think it'll be a "could", as opposed to a "have". Everything is still in motion, after all.
And, I can't really express how much of my life has been built around Sir Sazantos. He's been my everything, for a long time. But... [ mm. ] ...but, I think I could. I hope I can. I don't want to lose sight of the chance because I'm living in the past.
[ he fiddles absently with the ribbon tied around his wrist, twisting it as he talks. ]
...the point is that - I think loving someone changed me, even if that person didn't love me back. And I'm a better person for loving him. That, I know for sure.
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[he glances down to the ribbon when rondo fiddles with it, watching, but. he doesn't mention it aloud, just smiles slightly.
after a few moments of contemplation:]
I think that it's going to be similar, for me. You saw my memories, so you're aware that I loved Ceres, too, but even if I've felt that love for her... I can't be certain it really is mine. That I truly love her just for the time we spent together, for herself, and that I wasn't influenced by Camille's memory of Rosalie.
[even now, even working on developing more of his own sense of self... he isn't sure.]
But no matter what happens, having those feelings here... it means that I can love someone entirely on my own. That couldn't have come from anyone else.
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as mathis is talking, he might be able to see it out of the corner of his eye - rondo's smile breaks across his face as he reaches the end, warming up his entire expression as he details his realization.
because he has seen those things. for not the first time, rondo thinks of that moment in hell, where mathis looked the devil in the eye and chose hope. for not the first time, there's a swelling sense of - pride, for him, for all the growth he's done despite all the horrors and agonies of this place. growth, his growth. not influenced by the false butler, by false memories.
he leans over a little and nudges his shoulder into his as he says it, a light, playful jostle, and smiles down at mathis after, his expression just overwhelmingly warm and affectionate and proud. i'm proud to know you, all over his face. ]
That's exactly right. [ yours. your memories. your love. your feelings. your humanity. ] And every experience that you have here - good and bad - they are your experiences to have, and yours alone. So that you could have such a positive one, even if it wasn't returned...
[ he trails off, and just makes a little ah! noise, like he can't even get the words out. because he can't!! ] I'm so happy for you to have had it. I'm so proud of you, you know: it takes a lot of courage to continue to wade into those waters. It's the most human thing there possibly is.
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this is exactly what he means when he says-- rondo is a warm person. bright, and kind, and affectionate; he is, mathis thinks, something like the sort of person that he'd like to be. (he wonders briefly whether he might love him a little too, in a way.)]
I've been trying to. It can be intimidating, at times, but I think... I like to think that I'm different from the person I was when I came here.
[that he's grown. become more himself, someone uniquely 'mathis'.
but it's after this that he rests a hand on rondo's wrist, gently touching the ribbon.]
Is this new? I don't think that I've seen you wear it.
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I think you are, too. I mean, the first day we were here, you ran away from me! And now look at us, we can sit here and talk as if we've known each other for a lifetime.
[ and that's a big deal!!! it makes him really happy. he's so glad to have known mathis, and glad to know him now.
but! ah!! the question has him blink, looking down at his wrist and turning it a little. the ribbon is pink JK ITS PINK I HAD TO ASK ]
This? Oh! No, no. Marina gave it to me a few weeks ago! When Miss Laudna had us all play that game. She was just teasing me, I think, but she said it was a 'protection charm', so that I could swear and play along. I didn't, of course, because I wouldn't, but...
[ well. his smile softens a little as he turns his wrist. ] ... well, the sentiment behind such a thing is nice, isn't it? That someone wants to protect you.