I think... if I go home, it probably needs to be the timeline I came from for other reasons, regardless. I-if Camille has survived, he'll need me there.
He... s-something must have gone wrong, in my timeline. The way he treated me, and the madness I saw... that didn't happen, for Scien. He told me that Camille is atoning for what he'd done, in the process of creating me.
[...]
S-so if that's a possibility for him, then I don't want to abandon him, if he's still alive. He's done terrible things, but he's still just someone who... lost the person he loved, and the family he had. He still cared for me.
[His mouth twists, dissatisfied. Atoning? It feels impossible to believe. The Order wanted to "atone" for him, too, right up until they got desperate again and created the Thirds. Kanda won't ever forgive them. He went out of his way to condemn Zuu Mei Chang to hell, where he's quite sure they'll meet again someday, face to face.
...But he'd forgiven Alma. Rather--he'd never felt the need to forgive him. To this day, he fully believes that Alma hadn't done anything wrong. If he'd known that Alma was that person from the start, he would've died with him in that lab without protest.
It's impossible to merge the two in his head. He can't fathom the idea of Alma having a hand in their creation, their torture--not when Alma had been overwhelmingly possessed by hatred upon discovering the truth. It's incredibly hard to imagine caring enough about anyone who'd been involved to forgive them. To him, Mathis sounds just as naive as he does every time he insists on caring, love, and hope.
But... they're different people, in the end. And Kanda--it's not like he wants Mathis to become bitter and hateful. He just doesn't know any other way to stop him from getting hurt.
But Mathis has Lucas and Scien, so. It's not really his business. He sighs.]
Just don't be stupid about it.
[AT LEAST USE COMMON SENSE AND CAUTION IF YOU'RE GOING TO DO... whatever he wants to do. Kanda doesn't know. How do you fix crazy asshole scientists.]
I... I won't. It should be a possibility, according to Scien, and besides, he's...
Even if I'm not a genuine human, and I never really grew up, he's the only family I have.
[even before scien told him this, mathis still...
he can't fully separate the maddened man who told him he was nothing but an expendable guinea pig from the man who would dry and brush his hair every night, and go acquire meals for him every day because he wasn't a very good cook, and who cried when he worried over him, saying that mathis was all that he had. those memories-- those are real ones. it's hard to think of every kindness he'd been shown, every act of caring for him, as being nothing but a lie, a role his creator was playing.
[It sounds rude as hell, but--it's a honest question. He doesn't have a family. He has no memory of ever having one, and no connection to the concept, no matter how often Tiedoll calls him "son." The closest thing he's got for reference is Komui and Lenalee, but that's not even remotely the same. Komui tears himself apart every time he has to send Lenalee out into danger, and he only does it for the sake of humanity. For a dead lover? He would never.]
... for most of my existence, he was... he was all I knew. I was too frightened of people to leave the mansion, and so he's the only one I spent any time around.
[there couldn't have been anyone else. there was only him.]
I don't know... I don't know what I would do without him. I don't know what my life at home looks like if he isn't in it. It wasn't something that I had needed to think much about.
[That's understandable. Kanda gets the need for guidance and support, even if he'd been in no state to appreciate it himself nine years ago.
Still, he can't help pointing out--]
You've done fine on your own.
[He's not going tell Mathis what he can and can't, or should and shouldn't do. But he doesn't think Mathis would struggle nearly as much as he seems to fear he would. He's already been without Camille for two months--even if this place is a miserable hellhole, he's still moving forward.]
[That's true, though he'd meant "away from Camille" specifically--but he doesn't bother clarifying, since it's not that important.]
Mm. That's what happens when your other choice is lying down and dying.
[He's not even trying to be mean or diminish Mathis's growth, it just makes sense, to him, that Mathis feels this way in the situation they've found themselves in. Truly this whole experience has been "a day in the life of a DGM exorcist" for so many people.]
I thought that I would die, when we all first arrived. I-it's almost strange to think that I've gone from... accepting my death, back then, to wanting to live now.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[He remembers.]
You can't... I don't know, go back together?
[Oh god they don't have the braincells for this conversation they're just little guys]
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Oh yeah.
[He forgot that would be. A thing]
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Why the hell would you go back to that guy.
[SIR,]
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[...]
S-so if that's a possibility for him, then I don't want to abandon him, if he's still alive. He's done terrible things, but he's still just someone who... lost the person he loved, and the family he had. He still cared for me.
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...But he'd forgiven Alma. Rather--he'd never felt the need to forgive him. To this day, he fully believes that Alma hadn't done anything wrong. If he'd known that Alma was that person from the start, he would've died with him in that lab without protest.
It's impossible to merge the two in his head. He can't fathom the idea of Alma having a hand in their creation, their torture--not when Alma had been overwhelmingly possessed by hatred upon discovering the truth. It's incredibly hard to imagine caring enough about anyone who'd been involved to forgive them. To him, Mathis sounds just as naive as he does every time he insists on caring, love, and hope.
But... they're different people, in the end. And Kanda--it's not like he wants Mathis to become bitter and hateful. He just doesn't know any other way to stop him from getting hurt.
But Mathis has Lucas and Scien, so. It's not really his business. He sighs.]
Just don't be stupid about it.
[AT LEAST USE COMMON SENSE AND CAUTION IF YOU'RE GOING TO DO... whatever he wants to do. Kanda doesn't know. How do you fix crazy asshole scientists.]
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Even if I'm not a genuine human, and I never really grew up, he's the only family I have.
[even before scien told him this, mathis still...
he can't fully separate the maddened man who told him he was nothing but an expendable guinea pig from the man who would dry and brush his hair every night, and go acquire meals for him every day because he wasn't a very good cook, and who cried when he worried over him, saying that mathis was all that he had. those memories-- those are real ones. it's hard to think of every kindness he'd been shown, every act of caring for him, as being nothing but a lie, a role his creator was playing.
he doesn't have a brother, but he does.]
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He's quiet for a little while.]
Why does that matter?
[It sounds rude as hell, but--it's a honest question. He doesn't have a family. He has no memory of ever having one, and no connection to the concept, no matter how often Tiedoll calls him "son." The closest thing he's got for reference is Komui and Lenalee, but that's not even remotely the same. Komui tears himself apart every time he has to send Lenalee out into danger, and he only does it for the sake of humanity. For a dead lover? He would never.]
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[there couldn't have been anyone else. there was only him.]
I don't know... I don't know what I would do without him. I don't know what my life at home looks like if he isn't in it. It wasn't something that I had needed to think much about.
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Still, he can't help pointing out--]
You've done fine on your own.
[He's not going tell Mathis what he can and can't, or should and shouldn't do. But he doesn't think Mathis would struggle nearly as much as he seems to fear he would. He's already been without Camille for two months--even if this place is a miserable hellhole, he's still moving forward.]
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[lucas and scien have been here, for one, but-- so many here have supported him, helped him.
even so-]
B-but I do think that I've... I've managed to grow, here, more than I really thought that I would.
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Mm. That's what happens when your other choice is lying down and dying.
[He's not even trying to be mean or diminish Mathis's growth, it just makes sense, to him, that Mathis feels this way in the situation they've found themselves in. Truly this whole experience has been "a day in the life of a DGM exorcist" for so many people.]
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[truly this is character development...]