[lavi is standing where their memorials are!!! which i don't remember where bc it's w6 but he's there, looking at all the offerings laid out. there are so many. my god.
every so often he reaches out as if to neaten or rearrange them, but the most he does is just nudge one or two with his hand.]
M-maybe. I just didn't like being reminded that they were... gone.
[there are reminders everywhere, of course. always have been. the absences where they used to be, the spaces that felt different after. but that's different from coming somewhere to think about how they aren't at their sides, now.]
I still think about them often, and I spent time at Lucas's for a while. But I never... left anything, really.
I still don't think that I've... learned to move on. I don't know if I can.
[in part because it's so new. in part because of the memories that have always held him down, kept him from ever being capable of moving on, even if he knows they don't belong to him. the feelings are still there, for all that he's been learning to try to manage them.]
[it's a question that he can very easily brush aside with a nod of his head and the normal answer, which would be 'yes', and it's on the tip of his tongue to do just that.
instead he swallows it back,]
It was the same in the beginning. Partly because we were all strangers, and because I'm used to losing people I like in fucked up ways.
I'm not sure if it got bad later on, or if I just tried harder not to feel anything about it.
[he admits, shaking his head. it feels like it means he wasn't enough. wasn't trusted with it despite volunteering. he knows, reasonably, any five of them left would be fine and capable, but.]
I chose-- you, and Suguru, and Gojo. I wanted both of you to be there, too.
[and the boys are a do not separate situation, so. that was all three. it's just that he then failed to make it with them.]
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w6 sun
every so often he reaches out as if to neaten or rearrange them, but the most he does is just nudge one or two with his hand.]
Never been much for memorials.
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[mathis kneels in front of them, for the moment, just. sinking down onto the ground and looking them over.]
I didn't visit them very often here, to be honest...
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Me neither. I went to the church when we had the remember the dead rule, but that was it.
Maybe I would've put in more effort if I knew they were watching from the start.
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[there are reminders everywhere, of course. always have been. the absences where they used to be, the spaces that felt different after. but that's different from coming somewhere to think about how they aren't at their sides, now.]
I still think about them often, and I spent time at Lucas's for a while. But I never... left anything, really.
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That's more than what I've done.
[he tries not to think about them at all, especially in the beginning.]
You gotta move on as soon as possible, cause it's not safe to keep grieving. I learned that the hard way, 'specially back home.
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[in part because it's so new. in part because of the memories that have always held him down, kept him from ever being capable of moving on, even if he knows they don't belong to him. the feelings are still there, for all that he's been learning to try to manage them.]
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That's normal. I think more people should get to feel like that.
[as opposed to being forced to do it, in fear of attracting someone's gaze]
If I lived a different kind of life, then I'd be like that too.
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[oh. he doesn't hear that things about him are normal, very often...
it's always sort of a relief, when he does. that despite what he is, he can still be-- a regular person in those ways.]
-has it been harder to move on, here?
[with how frequent death is, with how awful it is?]
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instead he swallows it back,]
It was the same in the beginning. Partly because we were all strangers, and because I'm used to losing people I like in fucked up ways.
I'm not sure if it got bad later on, or if I just tried harder not to feel anything about it.
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[they've been in the same situation, in close quarters, for weeks now. it would be so difficult to genuinely stay detached.]
It's still... going to be hard.
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Yeah. But I think... I'm okay with feeling that now. If it hurts, then it'll make me want to keep at it. So that we reach an end.
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[...
he's quiet, for a moment.]
I'm sorry that I can't... I wanted to-
[-he shakes his head.]
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I know. You said as much to me back then.
[...]
I'm sorry I can't stay with you.
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[just being here wasn't good enough, after all.]
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You can feel however you want to feel.
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[he admits, shaking his head. it feels like it means he wasn't enough. wasn't trusted with it despite volunteering. he knows, reasonably, any five of them left would be fine and capable, but.]
I chose-- you, and Suguru, and Gojo. I wanted both of you to be there, too.
[and the boys are a do not separate situation, so. that was all three. it's just that he then failed to make it with them.]