[Lavi smiles at that, even though nothing about this situation is happy or deserves one, but maybe that's his go-to, when he doesn't know what else to do.]
Thanks.
[he thinks briefly of saying that it's the same for him, if his and kanda's positions are reversed.... but well, that hasn't happened yet, and maybe it never will.]
[well. if he's going to ask. lavi thinks for a moment, then]
...Yeah.
But if we don't find any other monsters during the trial -- or if those monsters are killed before time's up, then I asked him to let me live so people can vote for me instead.
You should say things like that a little more easily... otherwise I might have tried to save you, if it happened.
['might', he says, as if mathis wouldn't plead with him not to kill another person he cares for right in front of him if he were unaware that was agreed on. how high can the counter go this game WE'RE GONNA LEARN.]
[even if he knows that mathis has no guarantee that he will keep living on, even after this game -- but as long as he survives the game, despite whatever happens to him...]
maybe it's the effect this week that makes him speak more easily, or maybe it's just the way everything has kept compounding.]
And I want to live, I do. I want to learn more about what I'm really like, as myself, and I want to have more time with everyone, but... but--!
The longer I survive, the more of us I lose, and there's nothing that I can do to stop it! I couldn't give Lucas any more time like I wanted to, and I couldn't help Nona or Camille... I couldn't be there for Iwatooshi, or Cloud, or Aerith or Marina, and now if Kanda is possessed, we're losing him too-!
[his hands are a little shaky, where they're curled into fists at his sides.]
[Maybe it was the wrong thing to say, Lavi thinks, as he listens to Mathis, watches his feelings unwind from him like they need somewhere to go -- he knows how that feels, when it all gets too much and you can't hold it in any longer.
He reaches for Mathis's hand -- one of the curled fists at his side,]
I know. [he can't say anything else except that -- that he knows, and understands] I'm the same, I'm out here too -- failing.
But that's part of living too. And it's not over until we're dead. Everything that's happened -- the people we've lost... We can spend hours thinking about what we could have done to save them, but that won't help anyone. Not them or us.
[his tone is firm, but]
...I'm not saying to forget about them. Just -- don't carry all of them by yourself.
[he clings to lavi's hand, fighting back tears. he can't-- he doesn't want to be weak, to have to be consoled instead of being able to support others, he wants to stay strong in the face of all of this.]
[he holds onto Mathis's hand with one hand and raises the other -- and then pauses, reaching for his scarf instead, so he can offer the end to Mathis.]
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Thanks.
[he thinks briefly of saying that it's the same for him, if his and kanda's positions are reversed.... but well, that hasn't happened yet, and maybe it never will.]
...And thanks for listening, Mathis.
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[lavi!!!
and, well. he doesn't say it, but mathis has the thought, so.]
...is that mutual, for both of you?
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...Yeah.
But if we don't find any other monsters during the trial -- or if those monsters are killed before time's up, then I asked him to let me live so people can vote for me instead.
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['might', he says, as if mathis wouldn't plead with him not to kill another person he cares for right in front of him if he were unaware that was agreed on. how high can the counter go this game WE'RE GONNA LEARN.]
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It was always our plan from the start. And I didn't trust anyone then not to stop me if I was.
[though now....]
And I didn't want to tell you now -- cause I didn't want to put that on you. I'm sorry.
[the request not to save him, not when Mathis has spent so much of his time trying to save others.]
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[and he couldn't reasonably stop kanda anyway. he would have tried, but there's no way it would have worked.]
Even if I want to save you more than most.
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You can. By surviving.
[even if he knows that mathis has no guarantee that he will keep living on, even after this game -- but as long as he survives the game, despite whatever happens to him...]
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[and after the time he's had here--
maybe it's the effect this week that makes him speak more easily, or maybe it's just the way everything has kept compounding.]
And I want to live, I do. I want to learn more about what I'm really like, as myself, and I want to have more time with everyone, but... but--!
The longer I survive, the more of us I lose, and there's nothing that I can do to stop it! I couldn't give Lucas any more time like I wanted to, and I couldn't help Nona or Camille... I couldn't be there for Iwatooshi, or Cloud, or Aerith or Marina, and now if Kanda is possessed, we're losing him too-!
[his hands are a little shaky, where they're curled into fists at his sides.]
How much more do we have to go through?
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He reaches for Mathis's hand -- one of the curled fists at his side,]
I know. [he can't say anything else except that -- that he knows, and understands] I'm the same, I'm out here too -- failing.
But that's part of living too. And it's not over until we're dead. Everything that's happened -- the people we've lost... We can spend hours thinking about what we could have done to save them, but that won't help anyone. Not them or us.
[his tone is firm, but]
...I'm not saying to forget about them. Just -- don't carry all of them by yourself.
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[he clings to lavi's hand, fighting back tears. he can't-- he doesn't want to be weak, to have to be consoled instead of being able to support others, he wants to stay strong in the face of all of this.]
Then-- then survive with me.
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I will. You gotta make sure you do too, yeah?
[this isn't a death flag bc this is week 3]
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he takes the end of lavi's scarf, but he's just kinda like, holding on to it.]
...all right. Then... then we both will.