[even if he knows that mathis has no guarantee that he will keep living on, even after this game -- but as long as he survives the game, despite whatever happens to him...]
maybe it's the effect this week that makes him speak more easily, or maybe it's just the way everything has kept compounding.]
And I want to live, I do. I want to learn more about what I'm really like, as myself, and I want to have more time with everyone, but... but--!
The longer I survive, the more of us I lose, and there's nothing that I can do to stop it! I couldn't give Lucas any more time like I wanted to, and I couldn't help Nona or Camille... I couldn't be there for Iwatooshi, or Cloud, or Aerith or Marina, and now if Kanda is possessed, we're losing him too-!
[his hands are a little shaky, where they're curled into fists at his sides.]
[Maybe it was the wrong thing to say, Lavi thinks, as he listens to Mathis, watches his feelings unwind from him like they need somewhere to go -- he knows how that feels, when it all gets too much and you can't hold it in any longer.
He reaches for Mathis's hand -- one of the curled fists at his side,]
I know. [he can't say anything else except that -- that he knows, and understands] I'm the same, I'm out here too -- failing.
But that's part of living too. And it's not over until we're dead. Everything that's happened -- the people we've lost... We can spend hours thinking about what we could have done to save them, but that won't help anyone. Not them or us.
[his tone is firm, but]
...I'm not saying to forget about them. Just -- don't carry all of them by yourself.
[he clings to lavi's hand, fighting back tears. he can't-- he doesn't want to be weak, to have to be consoled instead of being able to support others, he wants to stay strong in the face of all of this.]
[he holds onto Mathis's hand with one hand and raises the other -- and then pauses, reaching for his scarf instead, so he can offer the end to Mathis.]
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You can. By surviving.
[even if he knows that mathis has no guarantee that he will keep living on, even after this game -- but as long as he survives the game, despite whatever happens to him...]
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[and after the time he's had here--
maybe it's the effect this week that makes him speak more easily, or maybe it's just the way everything has kept compounding.]
And I want to live, I do. I want to learn more about what I'm really like, as myself, and I want to have more time with everyone, but... but--!
The longer I survive, the more of us I lose, and there's nothing that I can do to stop it! I couldn't give Lucas any more time like I wanted to, and I couldn't help Nona or Camille... I couldn't be there for Iwatooshi, or Cloud, or Aerith or Marina, and now if Kanda is possessed, we're losing him too-!
[his hands are a little shaky, where they're curled into fists at his sides.]
How much more do we have to go through?
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He reaches for Mathis's hand -- one of the curled fists at his side,]
I know. [he can't say anything else except that -- that he knows, and understands] I'm the same, I'm out here too -- failing.
But that's part of living too. And it's not over until we're dead. Everything that's happened -- the people we've lost... We can spend hours thinking about what we could have done to save them, but that won't help anyone. Not them or us.
[his tone is firm, but]
...I'm not saying to forget about them. Just -- don't carry all of them by yourself.
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[he clings to lavi's hand, fighting back tears. he can't-- he doesn't want to be weak, to have to be consoled instead of being able to support others, he wants to stay strong in the face of all of this.]
Then-- then survive with me.
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I will. You gotta make sure you do too, yeah?
[this isn't a death flag bc this is week 3]
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he takes the end of lavi's scarf, but he's just kinda like, holding on to it.]
...all right. Then... then we both will.