[stop. maybe it won't be? maybe lavi still has hope that this is a 'peripherally was aware of someone else as my partner but never confirmed the match' kind of situation]
[Lavi doesn't say anything for a long moment, his expression is stone, but he feels like he might burst out of his skin, out of his record, out of everything --
he closes his eye tightly, and thinks of Lucas's voice -- is it terrible if I say that I'm glad they weren't alone? and his reply, no.]
...What was the reason? Why did you want to find your partner?
...for the wish, mainly. I... what you saw before, [i know we're still threading but it's fine,] isn't something that I could change without it. If I wanted to be sure that she was saved...
I decided it was worth that risk. I- I was able to do more than I originally wanted, and I... trusted Iwatooshi enough to tell him he was my partner.
[he could save her, that way, even if it cost his own life. that was how it would have been at home too, wasn't it? trying to get her to live, even if he would die?]
Famine... said that there's still a chance. It's just a small one.
[Lavi listens, because there is nothing else he can do. He will listen, and observe, and record, and remember. He puts these new pieces together compared to the ones he already knows, and when he does -- he can see the logic of Mathis' decision.
What was the point of a wish if you could die? But as long as your wish didn't have to do with you, then it could still come true. Even if you wouldn't be around to see it. He can understand that, even though he really would rather not -- not on the heels of three deaths, and now possibly three more.
He looks at Mathis at that last part, gaze focused on him.]
[A chance. Lavi grits his teeth. He thinks of hope and Hope and choices made, and how even in the end, he hadn't chosen to grasp onto it -- her.
But Mathis had, and Mathis is the one who making this decision -- so in some twisted way, it feels right that he's still holding on. Lavi wants to hope too, but what he wants more is information, a solution to this insane nightmare they've all been living in --]
Promise that you'll try.
[to get that chance. to live. he doesn't mean to make light of Mathis' decisions -- but he remembers how he was in hell too, and that Mathis will always choose a path where he can protect everyone from himself --]
[he says quietly, with a small, almost sad little smile. he'll try.]
I want to... spend more time with everyone.
[...and maybe with some more than others. everyone, sure, but some-- some have done so much for him. some opened their arms to him without hesitation and supported him since. some took everything he had to say, and refused to reject him, even when he tried to push them away for their own sake. some went through hell with him in a very literal sense.
some, he may not know as well as he'd like, and he may never know, but he wants to at least have the opportunity.]
...I want to spend more time with you, if... I get to have more of it after all.
[and he's-- after today, this weekend, he's still struggling. everything has been so much, and so heavy, but. if the most likely outcome is that he's dying tomorrow...
he takes a second, hesitating. clearly working up the nerve.
then he leans in and presses a brief kiss to lavi's cheek.]
[the kiss is brief, and so very soft, and breaks through some of Lavi's steadily building misery and hopelessness. he looks at Mathis, struck silent by surprise. he's very close like this, and Lavi does what he does best -- he sees. the fringe of mathis's eyelashes, the scar where his eye once was, the light color of his hair, and the nerves. the bravery. the existence that is mathis, no matter if he was made from others.
the pain is piercing this time, but lavi accepts it. he presses his arm around Mathis and pulls him into an embrace, head resting on his shoulder, hiding his expression.
he can't be brave. "lavi" can be, but he is not lavi. he's just someone who had the extraordinary luck to meet a young man, someone who'll never be like anyone else he meets again. he doesn't want him to be just a number in a record, he didn't want the others to be, and he doesn't want anyone else to be either. but he can't say that, because he can't want those things in the first place.
[lavi pulls him in, and mathis wraps his arms around him, ignoring the lingering pain from his scarred burns, the pain in his chest from both what's left of the wound there and from the pang in his heart.
he-- was ready to die before he arrived here. it's still what's written on his profile: that his life isn't important enough to prioritize. i'm just a fake human, created through others' sacrifices.
being here has changed that. despite everything, despite the suffering here.]
I'll try.
[he doesn't quite have it in him to promise he'll live. it feels wrong, to say it.]
A-and if I do, then... then after it's over, tomorrow...
he hears the words trail off and waits, because there is nothing else he can do at this moment. he can't even offer a promise of his own, or blind faith that things will work out.
and on the chance that it doesn't, what else can he do but listen?]
[he knows lavi's listening, but when he tries to continue, he finds that it sticks in his throat.
can he really say much else, knowing that trying might not work out, that he'll be offering something that could just end up hurting more for how it doesn't come true-? that's... he knows it must hurt to have heard all this to begin with. he doesn't want to end up just... hurting him further.]
Um, maybe... it's best if we leave it for then...
[a little sheepish. he worked up the nerve for what he did, but not quite more than that.]
[mathis is SOOO CUTE im sorry lavi is SOOOO STUPID
his head is pounding, but he nods anyway, even though he doesn't really have to because Mathis can't SEE him nod, but still. the realization makes him loosen his embrace, dropping his arms so that he's not squeezing all of their injuries together. and he settles back,]
when he drops his arms and settles back, mathis does the same, though as he lets his arms fall he's just. taking lavi's hands. he's a little warm in the face, cheeks dusted pink.]
Something I always wanted to do...
I- wanted to write a novel.
[and he did, with ceres, but it was... pulled from amelie's memories. he'd despaired at that knowledge. now, though, he thinks maybe he wants to try again, write his own for real.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
I'm sorry too, for stepping in. [...] I know Lucas's important to you, but I didn't want you to do anything you'd regret.
no subject
[he didn't want to hurt anyone. he would have regretted it-- he's asked others to ensure he doesn't manage to cause harm.]
Um, I- need to tell you something. This isn't very good timing, a-and I'm sorry for that, but I... had to tell you now. I think you'll understand.
[a little pause.]
My monster-- it's a dragon.
no subject
Lavi stares at Mathis for a long beat of silence, thinking, thinking, thinking, then]
...Did you know Iwa was your match?
no subject
[so! you know!
tomorrow is bad it's going to be bad.]
no subject
Did you confirm it with him?
no subject
[...]
...I'm sorry.
no subject
he closes his eye tightly, and thinks of Lucas's voice -- is it terrible if I say that I'm glad they weren't alone? and his reply, no.]
...What was the reason? Why did you want to find your partner?
no subject
I decided it was worth that risk. I- I was able to do more than I originally wanted, and I... trusted Iwatooshi enough to tell him he was my partner.
[he could save her, that way, even if it cost his own life. that was how it would have been at home too, wasn't it? trying to get her to live, even if he would die?]
Famine... said that there's still a chance. It's just a small one.
no subject
What was the point of a wish if you could die? But as long as your wish didn't have to do with you, then it could still come true. Even if you wouldn't be around to see it. He can understand that, even though he really would rather not -- not on the heels of three deaths, and now possibly three more.
He looks at Mathis at that last part, gaze focused on him.]
A chance?
no subject
[well. it's a simple enough answer.]
I wanted to be able to say goodbye.
[he wanted lavi to be one of the ones he could say it to.]
no subject
But Mathis had, and Mathis is the one who making this decision -- so in some twisted way, it feels right that he's still holding on. Lavi wants to hope too, but what he wants more is information, a solution to this insane nightmare they've all been living in --]
Promise that you'll try.
[to get that chance. to live. he doesn't mean to make light of Mathis' decisions -- but he remembers how he was in hell too, and that Mathis will always choose a path where he can protect everyone from himself --]
no subject
[he says quietly, with a small, almost sad little smile. he'll try.]
I want to... spend more time with everyone.
[...and maybe with some more than others. everyone, sure, but some-- some have done so much for him. some opened their arms to him without hesitation and supported him since. some took everything he had to say, and refused to reject him, even when he tried to push them away for their own sake. some went through hell with him in a very literal sense.
some, he may not know as well as he'd like, and he may never know, but he wants to at least have the opportunity.]
...I want to spend more time with you, if... I get to have more of it after all.
[and he's-- after today, this weekend, he's still struggling. everything has been so much, and so heavy, but. if the most likely outcome is that he's dying tomorrow...
he takes a second, hesitating. clearly working up the nerve.
then he leans in and presses a brief kiss to lavi's cheek.]
no subject
the pain is piercing this time, but lavi accepts it. he presses his arm around Mathis and pulls him into an embrace, head resting on his shoulder, hiding his expression.
he can't be brave. "lavi" can be, but he is not lavi. he's just someone who had the extraordinary luck to meet a young man, someone who'll never be like anyone else he meets again. he doesn't want him to be just a number in a record, he didn't want the others to be, and he doesn't want anyone else to be either. but he can't say that, because he can't want those things in the first place.
but there is one thing he can want.]
I want you to live too.
[thank you. i'm sorry.]
So I'll hold you to that, okay? Don't die.
no subject
he-- was ready to die before he arrived here. it's still what's written on his profile: that his life isn't important enough to prioritize. i'm just a fake human, created through others' sacrifices.
being here has changed that. despite everything, despite the suffering here.]
I'll try.
[he doesn't quite have it in him to promise he'll live. it feels wrong, to say it.]
A-and if I do, then... then after it's over, tomorrow...
no subject
he hears the words trail off and waits, because there is nothing else he can do at this moment. he can't even offer a promise of his own, or blind faith that things will work out.
and on the chance that it doesn't, what else can he do but listen?]
no subject
can he really say much else, knowing that trying might not work out, that he'll be offering something that could just end up hurting more for how it doesn't come true-? that's... he knows it must hurt to have heard all this to begin with. he doesn't want to end up just... hurting him further.]
Um, maybe... it's best if we leave it for then...
[a little sheepish. he worked up the nerve for what he did, but not quite more than that.]
S-sorry. I think I'm still a little...
[the harder admission is this:]
...afraid of tomorrow.
no subject
his head is pounding, but he nods anyway, even though he doesn't really have to because Mathis can't SEE him nod, but still. the realization makes him loosen his embrace, dropping his arms so that he's not squeezing all of their injuries together. and he settles back,]
What's something you always wanted to do?
no subject
when he drops his arms and settles back, mathis does the same, though as he lets his arms fall he's just. taking lavi's hands. he's a little warm in the face, cheeks dusted pink.]
Something I always wanted to do...
I- wanted to write a novel.
[and he did, with ceres, but it was... pulled from amelie's memories. he'd despaired at that knowledge. now, though, he thinks maybe he wants to try again, write his own for real.]
no subject
Lavi perks up at that because of course he does, even on the verge of Mathis's possible DEATH.]
Do you know what kind? An adventure story? A romance? Comedy?
no subject
[something that will come out differently.
something-]
Something with... with a happy ending.
no subject
Sounds nice. Lemme read it sometime, yeah?
no subject
no subject