[the kiss is brief, and so very soft, and breaks through some of Lavi's steadily building misery and hopelessness. he looks at Mathis, struck silent by surprise. he's very close like this, and Lavi does what he does best -- he sees. the fringe of mathis's eyelashes, the scar where his eye once was, the light color of his hair, and the nerves. the bravery. the existence that is mathis, no matter if he was made from others.
the pain is piercing this time, but lavi accepts it. he presses his arm around Mathis and pulls him into an embrace, head resting on his shoulder, hiding his expression.
he can't be brave. "lavi" can be, but he is not lavi. he's just someone who had the extraordinary luck to meet a young man, someone who'll never be like anyone else he meets again. he doesn't want him to be just a number in a record, he didn't want the others to be, and he doesn't want anyone else to be either. but he can't say that, because he can't want those things in the first place.
[lavi pulls him in, and mathis wraps his arms around him, ignoring the lingering pain from his scarred burns, the pain in his chest from both what's left of the wound there and from the pang in his heart.
he-- was ready to die before he arrived here. it's still what's written on his profile: that his life isn't important enough to prioritize. i'm just a fake human, created through others' sacrifices.
being here has changed that. despite everything, despite the suffering here.]
I'll try.
[he doesn't quite have it in him to promise he'll live. it feels wrong, to say it.]
A-and if I do, then... then after it's over, tomorrow...
he hears the words trail off and waits, because there is nothing else he can do at this moment. he can't even offer a promise of his own, or blind faith that things will work out.
and on the chance that it doesn't, what else can he do but listen?]
[he knows lavi's listening, but when he tries to continue, he finds that it sticks in his throat.
can he really say much else, knowing that trying might not work out, that he'll be offering something that could just end up hurting more for how it doesn't come true-? that's... he knows it must hurt to have heard all this to begin with. he doesn't want to end up just... hurting him further.]
Um, maybe... it's best if we leave it for then...
[a little sheepish. he worked up the nerve for what he did, but not quite more than that.]
[mathis is SOOO CUTE im sorry lavi is SOOOO STUPID
his head is pounding, but he nods anyway, even though he doesn't really have to because Mathis can't SEE him nod, but still. the realization makes him loosen his embrace, dropping his arms so that he's not squeezing all of their injuries together. and he settles back,]
when he drops his arms and settles back, mathis does the same, though as he lets his arms fall he's just. taking lavi's hands. he's a little warm in the face, cheeks dusted pink.]
Something I always wanted to do...
I- wanted to write a novel.
[and he did, with ceres, but it was... pulled from amelie's memories. he'd despaired at that knowledge. now, though, he thinks maybe he wants to try again, write his own for real.]
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the pain is piercing this time, but lavi accepts it. he presses his arm around Mathis and pulls him into an embrace, head resting on his shoulder, hiding his expression.
he can't be brave. "lavi" can be, but he is not lavi. he's just someone who had the extraordinary luck to meet a young man, someone who'll never be like anyone else he meets again. he doesn't want him to be just a number in a record, he didn't want the others to be, and he doesn't want anyone else to be either. but he can't say that, because he can't want those things in the first place.
but there is one thing he can want.]
I want you to live too.
[thank you. i'm sorry.]
So I'll hold you to that, okay? Don't die.
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he-- was ready to die before he arrived here. it's still what's written on his profile: that his life isn't important enough to prioritize. i'm just a fake human, created through others' sacrifices.
being here has changed that. despite everything, despite the suffering here.]
I'll try.
[he doesn't quite have it in him to promise he'll live. it feels wrong, to say it.]
A-and if I do, then... then after it's over, tomorrow...
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he hears the words trail off and waits, because there is nothing else he can do at this moment. he can't even offer a promise of his own, or blind faith that things will work out.
and on the chance that it doesn't, what else can he do but listen?]
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can he really say much else, knowing that trying might not work out, that he'll be offering something that could just end up hurting more for how it doesn't come true-? that's... he knows it must hurt to have heard all this to begin with. he doesn't want to end up just... hurting him further.]
Um, maybe... it's best if we leave it for then...
[a little sheepish. he worked up the nerve for what he did, but not quite more than that.]
S-sorry. I think I'm still a little...
[the harder admission is this:]
...afraid of tomorrow.
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his head is pounding, but he nods anyway, even though he doesn't really have to because Mathis can't SEE him nod, but still. the realization makes him loosen his embrace, dropping his arms so that he's not squeezing all of their injuries together. and he settles back,]
What's something you always wanted to do?
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when he drops his arms and settles back, mathis does the same, though as he lets his arms fall he's just. taking lavi's hands. he's a little warm in the face, cheeks dusted pink.]
Something I always wanted to do...
I- wanted to write a novel.
[and he did, with ceres, but it was... pulled from amelie's memories. he'd despaired at that knowledge. now, though, he thinks maybe he wants to try again, write his own for real.]
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Lavi perks up at that because of course he does, even on the verge of Mathis's possible DEATH.]
Do you know what kind? An adventure story? A romance? Comedy?
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[something that will come out differently.
something-]
Something with... with a happy ending.
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Sounds nice. Lemme read it sometime, yeah?
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