[he frowns, looking back to lavi and struggling to focus on him. he's-- an outlier, that's true, but those words all still echo around in his ears and his mind.]
You should still... you should leave, Lavi, I- I'm not-
[which is probably annoying and invasive and maybe not helpful at all to what Mathis wants or needs, but Lavi knows what he should do here -- and he knows a few people who'd only want Mathis to be okay,]
Can't leave you alone when you're like this, so just talk to me, yeah? Or you can focus on my voice instead.
[there's a brief pause as Lavi thinks back on their other conversations, none of which held even a single hint, though the tattoos stand out briefly now for a different reason.
but it's also not so strange to hear, after meeting some of the others. what's telling is that it's clearly something Mathis is not comfortable with saying,]
[Lavi lets the words hang in the air between them for a moment, just a moment, before he absorbs them, tucks them side by side with the Mathis he's met and come to know,]
...So you have all these memories that aren't yours, cause someone gave them to you?
They-- they are, but they don't belong to me. They're just... patched together from others and- changed enough that I always thought-- I remembered them as... my reality.
[a little strained, there, as he trails off, shakes his head.]
... I'm... he called me a homunculus. Everything about my life was only taken from other people.
[don't bother with him when he isn't even real. when he can still hear the taunt of 'whose memory was that, again?'
when-- he's only alive because others were killed for him to exist.]
[AHHHH MY VIRCHE TRAUMA FLASHBACK MATHIS ROUTE PTSDDDD
he knows the word. and he's even met artificial creations too -- though all of them robots, or made with magic. as for human experimentation of this degree... it's not so far-fetched, though Lavi doesn't remember reading anything close to this from the records he'd been allowed to see --
He looks at Mathis again, as if trying to see what about him could possibly be artificial.]
So when you wanted to stab Gale that time -- that was because... [a reaction taken from someone else? so mathis, in his entirety...
...]
That's why you don't want people to be around you? Because you're a homunculus?
E-essentially... yes. I'm not... stable. When I was like that, I said- awful things to Monsieur Daan, and Iwatooshi, and... and the worst of it was to Nona.
[he isn't the same, when influenced by his memories. he can change quickly when it happens, can stop caring about people he doesn't want to hurt, can--]
[ah. it makes more sense now, Mathis's fear. what would that be like, to have memories that don't belong to you? he knows Bookman would understand, though he'd been a human first before receiving all those memories.
Lavi looks at Mathis, and can't see or hear whatever voices he's hearing,]
Okay, I think I understand now.
[he moves forward, placing his hands on Mathis's shoulders]
But I still can't leave you alone, 'specially like this. If you wanna say something to me about it, then that's fine. If you wanna tussle, then that's okay too. I won't just stand here and get hurt, yeah? So let me stay here.
[it-- reminds him of someone else here aggressively ruffling his hair in a similar conversation. of that person telling him that he is still his own entity, that none of the memories making him up come from people who had the same collection of them.
'i'll never meet anyone like you again' sounds-- an awful lot like that had.
mathis had cried on them, embarrassingly, and he can't quite keep it from happening again, eyes welling up while lavi is BEING ANNOYING.]
[LISTEN... HE WAS TRYING TO LIGHTEN UP THE ATMOSPHERE WITH HIS HAIR RUFFLES, but he knows the warning sign of tears, and he's used to them too -- and he'd never begrudge anyone of needing to cry? not when the strongest people he knows cry too.
so it's very easy for him to switch from hair ruffling to pulling Mathis into a big, squeeze-y embrace.]
C'mere.
[AS LONG AS THESE ARE GOOD TEARS AND NOT TEARS OF FRESH TERROR]
but this is fine too, Lavi simply holds Mathis as he cries, alternating between patting him on the head and back, and for once not chattering ON AND ON. he's not sure why Mathis is apologizing, but maybe if he'd also lived a life like his, then he'd apologize too. he thinks of Lucas saying how Mathis is grateful to those who are kind to him, and even more grateful still -- even for things he shouldn't have to be grateful for.
in the meantime, Lavi waits, content to give him all the time he needs.]
[the tears stop after a short time. just a brief outlet of emotion while he holds on to lavi, dampening his shoulder; he stays slumped there when it's over, holding back a sniffle or two, quieting.
he could've left. he didn't have to worry over him. mathis really is... causing trouble to too many people.
but they know what he is, and they stay, despite it. he never thought they would.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[he frowns, looking back to lavi and struggling to focus on him. he's-- an outlier, that's true, but those words all still echo around in his ears and his mind.]
You should still... you should leave, Lavi, I- I'm not-
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[which is probably annoying and invasive and maybe not helpful at all to what Mathis wants or needs, but Lavi knows what he should do here -- and he knows a few people who'd only want Mathis to be okay,]
Can't leave you alone when you're like this, so just talk to me, yeah? Or you can focus on my voice instead.
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[this is, at the very least, helping him focus on lavi more.]
I'm only going to-- I was awful to Nona, and Monsieur Daan, and Iwatooshi--
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Hey, we all say shitty stuff when we're angry. None of those people are gonna beat you up for that, so don't do it to yourself.
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[he's wrong. it wasn't just an outburst, he can't...]
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You wanted to fight Gale out of nowhere. And it was definitely out of nowhere, cause we spent that whole day cooking together.
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What was the reason then?
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[he's still hearing those voices, distracted briefly, squeezing his eyes shut.]
I'm not- really a human.
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but it's also not so strange to hear, after meeting some of the others. what's telling is that it's clearly something Mathis is not comfortable with saying,]
...You're not human because of your memories?
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[his voice is quiet, a little fragile. the voices' fault, likely.
'that's right. my cute, foolish-']
I was made with them.
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...So you have all these memories that aren't yours, cause someone gave them to you?
How do you know they aren't real?
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[a little strained, there, as he trails off, shakes his head.]
... I'm... he called me a homunculus. Everything about my life was only taken from other people.
[don't bother with him when he isn't even real. when he can still hear the taunt of 'whose memory was that, again?'
when-- he's only alive because others were killed for him to exist.]
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he knows the word. and he's even met artificial creations too -- though all of them robots, or made with magic. as for human experimentation of this degree... it's not so far-fetched, though Lavi doesn't remember reading anything close to this from the records he'd been allowed to see --
He looks at Mathis again, as if trying to see what about him could possibly be artificial.]
So when you wanted to stab Gale that time -- that was because... [a reaction taken from someone else? so mathis, in his entirety...
...]
That's why you don't want people to be around you? Because you're a homunculus?
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[he isn't the same, when influenced by his memories. he can change quickly when it happens, can stop caring about people he doesn't want to hurt, can--]
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Lavi looks at Mathis, and can't see or hear whatever voices he's hearing,]
Okay, I think I understand now.
[he moves forward, placing his hands on Mathis's shoulders]
But I still can't leave you alone, 'specially like this. If you wanna say something to me about it, then that's fine. If you wanna tussle, then that's okay too. I won't just stand here and get hurt, yeah? So let me stay here.
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[he shakes his head, eyes closed, but... he doesn't have it in him to pull away from lavi's hands.]
Why would you want to be here--? I'm not... someone who you should let yourself be attached to.
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and then he claps his hand on top of Mathis's head, ruffling his hair.]
'One time, one meeting'. We've already met, yeah? So there's no taking that back, no matter what.
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[it's-- a confusing answer, enough so that he accepts the hair ruffling as well.]
I don't... understand what you mean.
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[hair ruffles again, now he's just trying to be annoying wow]
I'll never meet anyone like you again. That's enough of a reason to stick around.
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'i'll never meet anyone like you again' sounds-- an awful lot like that had.
mathis had cried on them, embarrassingly, and he can't quite keep it from happening again, eyes welling up while lavi is BEING ANNOYING.]
I-
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so it's very easy for him to switch from hair ruffling to pulling Mathis into a big, squeeze-y embrace.]
C'mere.
[AS LONG AS THESE ARE GOOD TEARS AND NOT TEARS OF FRESH TERROR]
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once lavi pulls him into that embrace, he's crying on him for real, hiding his face in his shoulder.]
Sorry- I'm sorry...
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but this is fine too, Lavi simply holds Mathis as he cries, alternating between patting him on the head and back, and for once not chattering ON AND ON. he's not sure why Mathis is apologizing, but maybe if he'd also lived a life like his, then he'd apologize too. he thinks of Lucas saying how Mathis is grateful to those who are kind to him, and even more grateful still -- even for things he shouldn't have to be grateful for.
in the meantime, Lavi waits, content to give him all the time he needs.]
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he could've left. he didn't have to worry over him. mathis really is... causing trouble to too many people.
but they know what he is, and they stay, despite it. he never thought they would.]