[ that wasn't the only part of it that upset her. she's not monster-brained about it anymore, but it's not as if clarity makes her forget the acute feeling of betrayal each time mathis helped point fingers at her during trials. it was necessary and he was objectively correct to do it and them not catching her for so long was a problem.
... but emotionally, it does feel Bad getting thrown under the bus by someone you're trying to protect - especially when they know that. and when you getting caught puts them at risk too.
but she realizes all of that is less Logical so she won't bother saying it. so for the actual part they're actually discussing: ]
So they all just voted that you specifically should get killed?
N-no. We voted for... the people we wanted to be a part of the final number. Three names from each of us.
[and he didn't have enough of their support to make that cut. he wasn't able to do enough. just like he never could do enough for her-- he couldn't save her, he couldn't help her by trying to point her out so she could at least stop being possessed, couldn't...
...he didn't have it in him to just do it himself, out of fear for what it would mean. for himself, and for how she would feel if her own partner risked his life taking hers. he couldn't do it until she killed essek, would have tried to kill muelsyse.
(nobody helped take that out of his hands, either, but he can't quite look at it that way.)]
Oh good. Then I have more people I'm annoyed with.
[ she does understand that her emotional response to it isn't objective. and she would rather be objective about things, which is why she's wanted to just not talk to him and get over it on her own. it didn't feel like it was worth indulging in trying to resolve something that's... irrational, for the most part. ]
... A little, anyway. Like I said, I get that it had to happen. More people had to die. It's not like I wanted it to be anyone else or anything either, so.
[ she shifts her weight a little bit, uncomfortable with the apology because she doesn't know what to do with it or what to say in response. so she just rudely practically ignores it. ]
I forced you to be my partner. It's not like we were ever a real team together because we wanted to be.
[ this is half just her being mean and half a roundabout apology from her in return. good luck. ]
...no, I agreed to be. I didn't have to confirm that Iwatooshi was my previous partner, even if you had an idea already.
If I didn't want to be partners, then I could have... I could have refused to do that. I could have died instead, or decided to try to find someone else. B-but you survived hell with me.
Monsieur Gale offered to teach me, if it were possible... and it will be, now, but I need to ask whether they need time at home to themselves first, or anything to resolve.
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... but emotionally, it does feel Bad getting thrown under the bus by someone you're trying to protect - especially when they know that. and when you getting caught puts them at risk too.
but she realizes all of that is less Logical so she won't bother saying it. so for the actual part they're actually discussing: ]
So they all just voted that you specifically should get killed?
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[and he didn't have enough of their support to make that cut. he wasn't able to do enough. just like he never could do enough for her-- he couldn't save her, he couldn't help her by trying to point her out so she could at least stop being possessed, couldn't...
...he didn't have it in him to just do it himself, out of fear for what it would mean. for himself, and for how she would feel if her own partner risked his life taking hers. he couldn't do it until she killed essek, would have tried to kill muelsyse.
(nobody helped take that out of his hands, either, but he can't quite look at it that way.)]
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[ she does understand that her emotional response to it isn't objective. and she would rather be objective about things, which is why she's wanted to just not talk to him and get over it on her own. it didn't feel like it was worth indulging in trying to resolve something that's... irrational, for the most part. ]
... A little, anyway. Like I said, I get that it had to happen. More people had to die. It's not like I wanted it to be anyone else or anything either, so.
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[he still took it pretty hard, but. it's not like there were good answers. they still had to ask people to give up.]
But I still wanted to... to explain, and to tell you that I was sorry for... not being able to do more for you. It was hard on you, too.
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I forced you to be my partner. It's not like we were ever a real team together because we wanted to be.
[ this is half just her being mean and half a roundabout apology from her in return. good luck. ]
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If I didn't want to be partners, then I could have... I could have refused to do that. I could have died instead, or decided to try to find someone else. B-but you survived hell with me.
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... I... made a lot of that hell worse, myself.
[ sometimes you kill someone in week three and then slowly drive yourself insane over it. ]
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[sometimes you just struggle on a weekly basis and gain and lose and gain the will to live because you're too young to know how to cope.]
So-- so I suppose we're also partners in that.
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... Well.
It's over now. No more partners. And we're going home, soon.
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[a little shake of his head.]
But if you ever want to, then I -- I'd like to see you sometime, outside of... everything that's happened here.
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[ nosy. she'll circle back to the other thing. ]
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[ but good, that he's got something kind of lined up. something on the table, at least. ]
I do too. So I probably can't see anyone for a while. But maybe when things settle down.