[ he reaches out after a moment, fingers curling - and then touches his hand. it's a brief, fleeting touch, cold, but there's a squeeze. it's lacking the rondo warmth in tactility, but hopefully the meaning of the gesture isn't lost. ]
It's okay. [ gently. ] You know, no matter what happens, or what you decide, we're all here to support you, right? [ ... ] What did Lavi say?
[he does his best to squeeze back-- even lacking in warmth, it's something.]
I... I admitted I didn't want to live to him, and he told me that... he's always been the type of person to abandon hope. That he began trying to hope for something here because of Karlach, and because of... me. He was holding out hope because of us that we would be able to bring this to an end, and... help all of you.
[...]
And he said that he wants me there with him when we do.
Mmm... that's part of what makes you strong, I think. The fact that it's scary, and awful, but you're willing to keep going.
[ weh. another little cold touch. ]
If you ask me, I think you'll make it through the same way we made it through hell. With the support of your friends and comrades, and relying on them when you need help, just like they rely on you. [ there's a little smile to that, too, encouraging. ]
I'm... I'm trying to. But I don't know how we'll ever make the decisions that we have to make... w-we don't have enough people who have said they don't want to be included, so I don't think that I could justify it.
[he barely wants to be alive right now, so who would he be to try to stay over anyone else?]
[ the touch phases out, yes, but he immediately touches again! trying to reconfirm that yes! he's here. it's like playing patty cake. ]
And you will. I have so much faith in all of you, and so do the rest of us. I know you all will be able to get through. [ a beat. ] Oh! Did you get our presents?
...That's... good to remember. We'll have to label things next time! I send something that I hoped might give you a little warmth, even if it was kind of silly. So... I hope that it did. And... I think we're getting your guys' letters a little more quickly now, too.
We're just all always thinking of you guys, so. No matter what.
Well, you know me. It's pretty hard to keep me down for long.
[ and that includes dying!! ]
And it's been nice to spend time with everyone, bit by bit. Like when we were all together, over there, we've banded together in every way that we can. I've gotten to spend a lot of time with Marina, too.
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[ weh. the smile softens, a little more emotional. ]
Your last letter broke my heart. It - I'm glad that we are able to be here, even if it's just like this, for a little while.
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[a little shake of his head, his eye squeezed shut.]
I couldn't come up with a way that wouldn't only... hurt everyone who said they wanted me to stay, especially after what Lavi told me...
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It's okay. [ gently. ] You know, no matter what happens, or what you decide, we're all here to support you, right? [ ... ] What did Lavi say?
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I... I admitted I didn't want to live to him, and he told me that... he's always been the type of person to abandon hope. That he began trying to hope for something here because of Karlach, and because of... me. He was holding out hope because of us that we would be able to bring this to an end, and... help all of you.
[...]
And he said that he wants me there with him when we do.
[so how was he supposed to die?]
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he's quiet, for a long moment. there's something briefly unreadable across rondo's face, emotionally, but then, with a soft laugh, a little wet. ]
...Hope is the thing that kills you, and the thing that keeps you alive.
[ right? it always seems to come back to that. ]
Your strength always amazes me, you know.
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[a little bit choked.]
I still don't know... how I'm going to make it through this.
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[ weh. another little cold touch. ]
If you ask me, I think you'll make it through the same way we made it through hell. With the support of your friends and comrades, and relying on them when you need help, just like they rely on you. [ there's a little smile to that, too, encouraging. ]
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[he barely wants to be alive right now, so who would he be to try to stay over anyone else?]
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[ well
he clips out of existence.
and then returns. rondo sighs. ]
... I think that I cannot really give much of an opinion on the matter. [ nyeh. apologetic: ] I wish that I could help more, Mathis.
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[trying to grab his hand before he remembers he mostly can't. fuck.]
We'll have to... determine it for ourselves.
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[ the touch phases out, yes, but he immediately touches again! trying to reconfirm that yes! he's here. it's like playing patty cake. ]
And you will. I have so much faith in all of you, and so do the rest of us. I know you all will be able to get through. [ a beat. ] Oh! Did you get our presents?
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...That's... good to remember. We'll have to label things next time! I send something that I hoped might give you a little warmth, even if it was kind of silly. So... I hope that it did. And... I think we're getting your guys' letters a little more quickly now, too.
We're just all always thinking of you guys, so. No matter what.
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[he goes quiet for a moment.]
I wish you could just stay.
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[ it was hard for rondo just to watch when he was living, let alone now, and for a minute, his usual cheer dampens.
but it returns. ] ...That's what we're working towards, though, right?
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[ soft. rondo has all the faith in the world. ]
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[ and that includes dying!! ]
And it's been nice to spend time with everyone, bit by bit. Like when we were all together, over there, we've banded together in every way that we can. I've gotten to spend a lot of time with Marina, too.