[it's so unsettling, to him. of course it is-- he has no identity of his own in a different way, he was created for a specific purpose and patched together to enact it, and so the experience of seeing this is so....
it's strange, to find the dissonance familiar (you love her, you hate him) to find the lack of personal history familiar (because who is someone made up of other people) but for the situation to be so... so different.
one other thing is familiar, though, and that's... looking at someone he thought he had an idea of, who he thought he was familiar with, and realizing it isn't necessarily the truth. maybe he's too naive.
he can hardly speak, by the time he's able to, just... watching lavi with wide eyes.]
...Lavi...?
[it's a question in multiple ways. the desire to check on him is still very much there, but he also now has to question whether it's right to call him that.]
and isn't this against the rules -- this isn't even a memory, just a fast forward of all his records in one, which he thinks is a very low blow for this memshare mechanic to take advantage of. but otherwise --
he's not sure what to say or do. his expression reflects that, for once, looking as lost as Mathis might feel. tense and coiled up, like he's the one ready to run.]
[It's very hard not to turn around and walk away. Simply because he does not know what to do -- because not even allen or lenalee or yuu or everyone "Lavi" knows -- knows this about him.
but the name drags him back. Lavi. It reminds him of who he is right now. Who he has to be.]
[...it does hurt a little to see. a bit more than Lavi would like, which is silly, because anyone else finding out this part of him would react the same way. It's not normal to overlook it, or pretend it away.
And he wouldn't expect it of Mathis, who was brave enough to tell Lavi his own secrets.
He carefully takes Mathis's hand in his.]
I know my words don't mean much now. But I am sorry.
[he looks a little relieved, when lavi takes his hand. he'd been-- worried that he'd turn it down, moreso than he expected to be, but having the gesture accepted is reassuring.]
...this was probably... something else like all of those events were, wasn't it-? I don't think that I could blame you, for not talking about it here...
[he's quiet, for a few moments.]
It doesn't mean that I don't... want to be around you. We already met.
[lavi opens his mouth to reply something along the lines of 'it's fine, it's easier that way', and then he falls into this memory.
there's a difference between hearing about it from Mathis and seeing it for himself, feeling it for himself. the betrayal, the desperation, the moment when all seems lost. and then hope, hope in the form of a blonde-haired girl, hope not for yourself, but for her. it takes a moment for Lavi to blink back into himself, the memory receding around him --]
The Royal Guard aren't very useful, and the Corps are... limited in what they're able to do.
But if she can get to the others-- I know they'll help her. They'll... they'll tell Monsieur Scien, and the Institute can handle Jean's use of their technology.
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w2 monday
"You observe history, but being who you are, have none to write about yourself."]
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it's strange, to find the dissonance familiar (you love her, you hate him) to find the lack of personal history familiar (because who is someone made up of other people) but for the situation to be so... so different.
one other thing is familiar, though, and that's... looking at someone he thought he had an idea of, who he thought he was familiar with, and realizing it isn't necessarily the truth. maybe he's too naive.
he can hardly speak, by the time he's able to, just... watching lavi with wide eyes.]
...Lavi...?
[it's a question in multiple ways. the desire to check on him is still very much there, but he also now has to question whether it's right to call him that.]
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and isn't this against the rules -- this isn't even a memory, just a fast forward of all his records in one, which he thinks is a very low blow for this memshare mechanic to take advantage of. but otherwise --
he's not sure what to say or do. his expression reflects that, for once, looking as lost as Mathis might feel. tense and coiled up, like he's the one ready to run.]
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[mathis is reaching out to grab on to him, hand clutching at his arm, like he's afraid that he really will run, because despite what he just saw...
he doesn't want him to. he hates the thought of it, of lavi turning and leaving, saying nothing.]
Please.
[he doesn't even know what he's asking for.]
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but the name drags him back. Lavi. It reminds him of who he is right now. Who he has to be.]
...Sorry. It's a lot to take in, huh?
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[he admits that quietly, leaves his hand resting where it is.]
That's... what you've had to go through?
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We record history. The hidden kind. The kind no one wants to talk about, or pretend that never happened.
[like wars, specifically, because there's always someone out there trying to cover the truth.]
It's too easy to distort what happened in a war, because the only people who survive it are the winners. That's part of why Bookman exists.
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[that's...
he should feel more betrayed by the idea that 'lavi' is just another identity of the person in front of him, but.
mostly, he just feels sad.]
...isn't it hard?
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his voice is a little heavy in response,]
It's not, as long as you don't get attached. Haven't really figured out the trick for that yet.
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[he-- hesitates, for a moment, but. then he lets go of lavi's arm.
it's only so he can hold a hand out, though, offered to him if he's okay with taking it. he doesn't want to just shove that on him.]
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And he wouldn't expect it of Mathis, who was brave enough to tell Lavi his own secrets.
He carefully takes Mathis's hand in his.]
I know my words don't mean much now. But I am sorry.
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...this was probably... something else like all of those events were, wasn't it-? I don't think that I could blame you, for not talking about it here...
[he's quiet, for a few moments.]
It doesn't mean that I don't... want to be around you. We already met.
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Turning it around on me, huh.
[but he's amused a little at the phrase, then he sobers.]
I don't get to stick around, so. I really do treasure those meetings. It makes my work worth it.
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[so yes, he will turn it back on him, thanks.]
... I'm sorry that you don't... ever get to stay.
[but then lavi gets memshared back.]
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there's a difference between hearing about it from Mathis and seeing it for himself, feeling it for himself. the betrayal, the desperation, the moment when all seems lost. and then hope, hope in the form of a blonde-haired girl, hope not for yourself, but for her. it takes a moment for Lavi to blink back into himself, the memory receding around him --]
...What happened after?
[he already has a very bad feeling that he knows]
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[he says quietly, with a little shake of his head.]
I don't... know if she escaped.
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unfortunately that confirms it, but at the same time]
...I'm glad you did.
[does this count as escape.........]
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I have the opportunity to make sure that she's all right.
[if it comes at a risk to himself-- well. it already did.]
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[about that]
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But if she can get to the others-- I know they'll help her. They'll... they'll tell Monsieur Scien, and the Institute can handle Jean's use of their technology.
[probably through getting rid of it. but.]