I didn't quit when they got hard! They've already been hard since Iwatooshi died-- since before that--!
[those feelings are still overwhelmingly just a mess of bad vibes.]
I've stayed alive, and I've tried to do something about this, only for us to learn that we really are only going to have to lose almost everyone else-- so how much of this do I have to go through before it's allowed to be too much...?!
[ her emotions are a mix of sympathy and worry and guilt... being completely outweighed by frustration. ]
Things have been hard and they're going to stay hard, but you have to see it through! Stop trying to convince me that this is anything but a coward's way out!
admittedly there are plenty of other things wrong with him. technically he's a year old. he's never lost anyone before. not for real. he only has others' memories of loss, of grief, and now his first real experience with it has just been-- constant, relentless loss. people he cares about dying right in front of him.
[ maybe it's easier for her. she's used to watching people die in front of her and usually it's a consequence of her call as their leader. this is just how life is for her.
... or. maybe that means she's already monumentally tired of failing to keep people safe. maybe she was past her breaking point before even coming here.
[ that... actually does the best job of getting her to snap out of the panic spiral she'd worked herself into.
she thinks communication is important on teams. in partnerships. you have to share what you're anxious about because otherwise you'll just boil over on your own when you could have shared the weight. except... even looking at it like that, she's not sure what to make of his stance. it's a step farther than just telling her how he's feeling. it's asking for something that she doesn't want to give him.
she's quiet for a long moment. ]
... Whatever. It's not like we have that much control over how things end up, anyway.
he's quiet a little longer before he speaks again.]
I asked him what I did because I knew... if it was just pointless, if it would just be throwing everything away, he would say that. He never wanted me to do that. It annoyed him at first, that I didn't value my life enough.
So if he was willing to say that it would be all right, I trust him. I believe that it will be.
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Giving up shouldn't be on the table. It's not a choice you should feel like you can make!
[ a deranged take, but she has ✨️baggage✨️ ]
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He said... sacrifice is practical in this case, and only this one. That he wouldn't be disappointed in me.
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And then you can just give up and leave figuring out what to do to everyone else still alive?
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[there are people who will be better at this.]
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But I'm not giving up.
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You can't just quit when things get hard. You play the hand you're dealt to the end.
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[those feelings are still overwhelmingly just a mess of bad vibes.]
I've stayed alive, and I've tried to do something about this, only for us to learn that we really are only going to have to lose almost everyone else-- so how much of this do I have to go through before it's allowed to be too much...?!
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[ her emotions are a mix of sympathy and worry and guilt... being completely outweighed by frustration. ]
Things have been hard and they're going to stay hard, but you have to see it through! Stop trying to convince me that this is anything but a coward's way out!
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Then you can find yourself a partner who you won't see as cowardly-!
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[he's exhausted of this.
admittedly there are plenty of other things wrong with him. technically he's a year old. he's never lost anyone before. not for real. he only has others' memories of loss, of grief, and now his first real experience with it has just been-- constant, relentless loss. people he cares about dying right in front of him.
it's so much.]
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... or. maybe that means she's already monumentally tired of failing to keep people safe. maybe she was past her breaking point before even coming here.
one of those! ]
I don't care.
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[he murmurs, shaking his head; the frustration is still there, along with guilt, regret. maybe karlach had the right idea, actually.]
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she thinks communication is important on teams. in partnerships. you have to share what you're anxious about because otherwise you'll just boil over on your own when you could have shared the weight. except... even looking at it like that, she's not sure what to make of his stance. it's a step farther than just telling her how he's feeling. it's asking for something that she doesn't want to give him.
she's quiet for a long moment. ]
... Whatever. It's not like we have that much control over how things end up, anyway.
Do what you want.
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[but it's... on his mind. it has been.
he's quiet a little longer before he speaks again.]
I asked him what I did because I knew... if it was just pointless, if it would just be throwing everything away, he would say that. He never wanted me to do that. It annoyed him at first, that I didn't value my life enough.
So if he was willing to say that it would be all right, I trust him. I believe that it will be.